Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!

Quote from DS7 : I get my prostitutes from China, my weed from Mexico, my Beer from Germany, but I don't smoke or drink whiskey and will not tattoo myself. So what the hell do I do with MY rebate check?

Have a heart attack and pay your hospital biill. That stays in the US

Quote from sunson23 : INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. and........ 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

I like this, I was gonna post it but I searched and found it already posted

I'm a basketball player myself

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.



She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.



The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Quote from slickwallet : A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Good one

A tanker full of blue paint and a tanker full of red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?









They were marooned!

One day a co-worker told me that she was going home early because she didn't feel well.

Since I was just getting over a virus myself, I wished her well and said I hoped it wasn't something I had given her.

A fellow co-worker, overhearing my comment, piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness!"

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asked, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

The he invited her to his apartment to watch a movie. She replied, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

When they arrived at the apartment, he said, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different..." she replied. "Send her in!"

Why all these old cliches are nonsense...

"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

"It Takes Two to Tango"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

"You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.

"The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

"You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

"Everything Comes in Threes"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.

You just might be a redneck if ...

~ you once started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

~ you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

~ you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

~ you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

~ you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

~ someone in your family has said to you, "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

~ the biggest fashion risk you take is deciding which plaid shirt you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

~ your wife weighs more then your refrigerator

And the SUREST SIGN you just might be a redneck...

~ you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard!

Quote from JayVee7777 : You just might be a redneck if ... ~ you once started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind." ~ you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. ~ you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. ~ you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. ~ you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. ~ someone in your family has said to you, "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." ~ the biggest fashion risk you take is deciding which plaid shirt you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. ~ your wife weighs more then your refrigerator And the SUREST SIGN you just might be a redneck... ~ you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard!

I've actually seen this!

Wow, this thread got short since I last looked.

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Quote from someone28624 : Wow, this thread got short since I last looked.

http://forums.slickdeals.net/show...p?t=798809