Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. :D

System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread (http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?t=798809) for reference purposes.

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and
my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't
really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to
go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw
them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to
the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in
his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials:

...a Japanese Samurai

...a Chinese Samurai

...and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on theground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "This is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe, "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! but the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

you guys are funny as hell. thanks oni for thinking this up!

Guy walking through the woods, comes upon another guy with his arms around a tree and ear pressed up against it. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm listening to the tree, communing with nature. You should try it."

So the guy wraps his arms around the tree, puts his ear against it. Suddenly he feels handcuffs snap onto his wrists. The other guy steals his wallet and proceeds to cut away/rip off his clothes and leaves.

So third guy comes walking through, sees naked guy hugging tree. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Some guy tricked me into trying to listen to the tree, then he handcuffed me and stole my wallet and my clothes." Guy walks around to look at handcuffs and says, "Damn - that's awful." Then he comes back around behind the guy, leans up and kisses him on the ear and says, "I guess it's just really not your day, cupcake."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a no rmal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and, after topping it off with some Napoleon brandy, he summoned the headwaiter.

"Do you recall," he started, "When a year ago, I ate a similar meal here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and, after topping it off with some Napoleon brandy, he summoned the headwaiter.

"Do you recall," he started, "When a year ago, I ate a similar meal here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

What a sophisticated joke. It's funnier if you imagine an Englishman telling the joke in a thick accent.

84375

84376

84377

84378

84379

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello,
and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

The post office just released a new stamp in the shape of a vagina, but its not selling very well because only 3% of guys know how to lick it right!

Guy walking through the woods, comes upon another guy with his arms around a tree and ear pressed up against it. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm listening to the tree, communing with nature. You should try it."

So the guy wraps his arms around the tree, puts his ear against it. Suddenly he feels handcuffs snap onto his wrists. The other guy steals his wallet and proceeds to cut away/rip off his clothes and leaves.

So third guy comes walking through, sees naked guy hugging tree. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Some guy tricked me into trying to listen to the tree, then he handcuffed me and stole my wallet and my clothes." Guy walks around to look at handcuffs and says, "Damn - that's awful." Then he comes back around behind the guy, leans up and kisses him on the ear and says, "I guess it's just really not your day, cupcake."
Wooow! haha! :lol:

"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people!" said Thaddeus Jones.

"Tell me about your problem," replied the good doctor.

"I just did, you jackass!" responded the irked Thaddeus.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Asian Wisdom

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks
again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

Mrs. Rabinowitz comes to visit her son David for 3 days in New York
where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Sarah, a
girl roommate. Mrs. Rabinowitz couldn't help but notice how pretty
David's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two,
and this had only made her more curious. Reading his Mum's thoughts,
David volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Sarah and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sarah came to David
saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the
silver sugarbowl. You don't suppose she took it
do you?" Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from
my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the
fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left. Love,
David.

Several days later, David received an email from his Mom which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Sarah, and I'm
not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the
sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mom.

:rofl2: That's classic!

:roll:

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach The bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

I've heard this one before.

I've heard this one before.

classic :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol:

It would be funny if it wasnt so close to the truth.

Can someone give me ONE LOGICAL REASON to believe this is not a repost?

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of
sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your
bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means
you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not
enough to live on.

http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?sduid=1455&do=personalsticky&t=16858

Can someone give me ONE LOGICAL REASON to believe this is not a repost?

People believe in stranger things. Like god.

http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?sduid=1455&do=personalsticky&t=16858

this joke needs its own thread

http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?sduid=1455&do=personalsticky&t=16858

......did you just force me to stick that thread? :eek:

http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?sduid=1455&do=personalsticky&t=16858

bad boy

:whee:

So, did his mom take it or not?

:lol: :whee:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline,
and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons.....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. !!!!!!

*************

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ... gonna be a bear.

thanks but I swear I read something awfully similar here the other day....

:lol: at your second joke

Bob and Nancy were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After 50 years, Bob wanted to know if Nancy was always faithful. Bob asked, "Have you ever cheated on me?" Nancy replied, "Yes, three times." "What?!", yelled Bob, "When?" Nancy said, "Remember when the septic tank flooded back in ’69 and we couldn’t afford to fix it? I convinced the plumber to fix it for free." "And?" Nancy said, "Remember when you needed heart surgery in ’75 and we didn’t have insurance? I had the doctor treat you for free." "And the third time? "Do you remember when you ran for mayor back in ’89 and you were behind by 200 votes..."

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, "The Baxter Bulletin" in Arkansas reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 yards in a corn field near Mtn. Home, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless.

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business...

One day he found out that his sickly father was sitting on a hidden fortune and that when his father died, Dan would be the sole heir!

Reticent at the thought of living alone, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening, while attending his new investment-club meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen -- her natural beauty took his breath away!

"I may look like just an ordinary man," Dan said as he approached her, "but in just a few months, my father will die, and I'll inherit 50 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman spent the evening talking to the man, asking him about his job, his father, his family, his hobbies, etc. Dan was completely smitten. As they were ready to part, she asked for his phone number, promising to call him soon.

Three days later, Dan heard the phone ring, and picking it up, was delighted to hear the beautiful woman on the other line.

"I have some wonderful news," she told him. "When we met the other night, I had such a great time... and after talking to your father, we agreed: I'm going to be your new stepmother!"

ohhhh hahahahha JayVee, women at their finest

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us
a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan...
and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy
prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos,
since these are the only products still produced in the
USA.

Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us
a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan...
and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy
prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos,
since these are the only products still produced in the
USA.

Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.

You should clarify that we need to buy bourbon (Kentucky whiskey). Otherwise the whiskey money is liable to go to Scotland or Ireland or a variety of other places that make good whiskey. Stick with bourbons like Makers Mark, Wild Turkey, or Jim Beam, or even a Tennessee whiskey like Jack Daniels, and you're good to go.

Myself, I prefer scotch whiskey. American economy be damned!

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy
prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos,
since these are the only products still produced in the
USA.

Thank you for your help & please support the U.S.

I get my prostitutes from China, my weed from Mexico, my Beer from Germany, but I don't smoke or drink whiskey and will not tattoo myself. So what the hell do I do with MY rebate check? :lol:

I get my prostitutes from China, my weed from Mexico, my Beer from Germany, but I don't smoke or drink whiskey and will not tattoo myself. So what the hell do I do with MY rebate check? :lol:

You could buy a Toyota.

I get my prostitutes from China, my weed from Mexico, my Beer from Germany, but I don't smoke or drink whiskey and will not tattoo myself. So what the hell do I do with MY rebate check? :lol:
Have a heart attack and pay your hospital biill. That stays in the US :nod:

INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.




THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

:lol: I like this, I was gonna post it but I searched and found it already posted

I'm a basketball player myself :D

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.



She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.



The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

:rofl2: :lol: Good one

A tanker full of blue paint and a tanker full of red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?









They were marooned!

One day a co-worker told me that she was going home early because she didn't feel well.

Since I was just getting over a virus myself, I wished her well and said I hoped it wasn't something I had given her.

A fellow co-worker, overhearing my comment, piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness!"

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asked, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."

The he invited her to his apartment to watch a movie. She replied, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."

When they arrived at the apartment, he said, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh, well that's different..." she replied. "Send her in!"

Why all these old cliches are nonsense...

"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

"It Takes Two to Tango"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

"You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.

"The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

"You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

"Everything Comes in Threes"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.

You just might be a redneck if ...

~ you once started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

~ you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

~ you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

~ you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

~ you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

~ someone in your family has said to you, "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

~ the biggest fashion risk you take is deciding which plaid shirt you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

~ your wife weighs more then your refrigerator

And the SUREST SIGN you just might be a redneck...

~ you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard!

You just might be a redneck if ...

~ you once started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

~ you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

~ you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

~ you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

~ you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

~ someone in your family has said to you, "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

~ the biggest fashion risk you take is deciding which plaid shirt you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

~ your wife weighs more then your refrigerator

And the SUREST SIGN you just might be a redneck...

~ you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard!

I've actually seen this! :lol:

Wow, this thread got short since I last looked.

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Wow, this thread got short since I last looked.

http://forums.slickdeals.net/showthread.php?t=798809

Why It's Important To Understand English


I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Why It's Important To Understand English


I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Seen that before, still made me :lol:

Why It's Important To Understand English


I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

:rofl2: :rofl2: :crylol:

A redneck meets a woman in a bar and asks her if she would like to get together for the evening.
The woman quietly says to him ..sure but I think its only fair to tell you that Im on my menstrual cycle.
The redneck says..... well hell thats no problem I'll just follow you home on my moped.

A businessman is recounting a trip he recently took to a friend. "I needed a flight very quickly and there were no flights available, so I chartered a plane. About 45 minutes into the flight the pilot turns to me and tells me he's gay.

I respond with a simple OK and go back to reading. 5 minutes later the pilot turns to me and tells me he has a medical problem and needs to have sex every hour or he'll become violent.

I just ignore him and keep on reading. 5 minutes later the pilot turns to me and tells me I have two choices. Have sex with him or get thrown out of the plane without a parachute."

"So did you jump?" asked the friend.

"Oh, a little at first"

A businessman is recounting a trip he recently took to a friend. "I needed a flight very quickly and there were no flights available, so I chartered a plane. About 45 minutes into the flight the pilot turns to me and tells me he's gay.

I respond with a simple OK and go back to reading. 5 minutes later the pilot turns to me and tells me he has a medical problem and needs to have sex every hour or he'll become violent.

I just ignore him and keep on reading. 5 minutes later the pilot turns to me and tells me I have two choices. Have sex with him or get thrown out of the plane without a parachute."

"So did you jump?" asked the friend.

"Oh, a little at first"

:huh:

thats not a story i would tell a friend

:huh:

thats not a story i would tell a friend

...Unless you're |\/|ax...

Two blonde girls were on their way to Six Flags. When they were almost there, they saw a sign that read: Six Flags Left. So, they turned around and went home!

Little Johnny

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
Johnny. What is it used for?
I think it can be used for diarrhea.
Who told you this?
Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder'.

A Bear and a Rabbit didn't like each other very much but were casual
friends, One day they met a talking frog in a divine pond. The kind frog
offered them each three wishes for being his guests.

The Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish.

The Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately,
and he placed it on his head.

The Bear was amazed at Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
The Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
The Bear could not believe it and complained that Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the
world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Rabbit for his last wish.
The Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, 'I wish that this Bear was gay!' and rode off as fast as he could!

:crylol: i loved the bear joke

Smart Blonde Joke
-------------------------
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Smart Blonde Joke

First smart blonde joke I've ever seen. Not a bad idea...

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to
meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love
to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed
right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,
but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs
left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few
weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and
then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask
him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you
may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with
either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with
that?”

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on
her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right
side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is
laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”

tl;dr Sorry if repost:

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He looks at his wife and says: "This is the pig I've been screwing when you have a headache." She looks back at him and says "That's a sheep you retard." to which he replies "I was talking to the sheep."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in the bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wan ts for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll l have some Cheerios. "WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

mmm... Batman... :drool:

Pulled this from another site. Some are funny, some really aren't. lol.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his CURRENT problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I vo ted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and t hat wa s good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only
crossroads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the
Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra.#@&&^(C%........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chi cken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

yea some of those are pretty good!

Pulled this from another site. Some are funny, some really aren't. lol.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


:lmao: VERY funny!! :lol:

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

:lmao: My favorite one

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRYTALE!!!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl

said:'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,

dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never

had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't

get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had

all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched

sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had

high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in

sweatpants and was pleasant all the time.



The End

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRYTALE!!!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said:'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweatpants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

yet died unloved and lonely, after looking back on her life and realizing she had lived a shallow, selfish existence and realizing that once she was gone, nobody would even know...

How do you kill a circus?





Go for the juggler.


:shake:

How do you kill a circus?





Go for the juggler.


:shake:

Took me a while :lmao:

How do you kill a circus?





Go for the juggler.


:shake:
No, I like it! :lol:

Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?

A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo

Ole! :laugh:

Saw that comin before even bothered to click here

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked on the front door...

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and what their ages were.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen..."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

"Heck no!" answered the woman. "There was hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'!"

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into
the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ===

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ====

Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys

In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====

To Conclude:

From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.

So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money

Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

worst.math.ever

:iagree: :crylol:

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

I'm ashamed to admit that I don't get it. It seems amusing though.

George W Bush and Condolisa Rice are having a meeting...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China .

George: Great. Tell me all about it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China .
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China !
Condi: Hu is leading China .

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China .

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China ? I thought he was dead in theMiddle East .
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China ?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China .
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China ?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain!


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.


Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!


How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.


Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles
are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock
in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of
Canada!'

Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

If you pay attention to the comments of the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @ss with a snow cone.

CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am beginning to worry about Judge3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it - poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report

I'm ashamed to admit that I don't get it. It seems amusing though.

Hint: Bridal=bridle

Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Old joke, but still hilarious! :rolf2:

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

:coverlaf:

Hint: Bridal=bridle

What the hell is a bridle?

i think its something to do with horseback riding:dontknow:

Damn redneck jokes.

This maybe a repeat but its still good for a laugh........

I'm ashamed to admit that I don't get it. It seems amusing though.

Bridal vs. Bridle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridle)

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

well-played

This maybe a repeat but its still good for a laugh........

Very funny :rofl2:

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "honey when you get home can you help me, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

What do you do if you come across a lion in a jungle ?


Wipe it off.....

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

“What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.

“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery sack have in common?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous around young children and the other carries groceries!

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
He heard boy's pants were half off!

How are my wife and a turtle alike?
As soon as they're on their back, they're screwed!

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yardThe door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.



He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come
home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.



She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it. :nod:

'

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yardThe door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.



He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come
home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.



She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it. :nod:

'



Good one! :)

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...

So I took her to a gas station.

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...

So I took her to a gas station.

Unfortunately that is SO true!!

worst.math.ever

Concise and brutal... every time.

I never thought I would say this but, Ray Nagin, you da MAN!

What's brown and sticky?

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

~ ~ CHILI ~ ~
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
me that if you eat it again the next day, both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
"thunder and lightning."

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
always seems to hit at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different.


The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which
would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part
of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into the isle.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn
in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me
feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made
a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-#$%@&', then quickly
left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
I went to shop at Safeway grocery store. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
going to have to repaint the store...

people that post long ass crap make my ass twitch

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

:comfort: :lol:

people that post long ass crap make my ass twitch

chili makes his ass twitch

A woman was touring a small South American country one day as her guide was driving around downtown. As they passed the local arena, the tour guide took the opportunity to shown her a huge crowd enjoying a bullfight. The guide told her,

"This is our number one sport."

The woman looked at him, horrified, and said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go f**k yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free."

The teacher quickly explained, "What with your parents always wishing to exercise control over your behavior, it may seem to you that you are not free, but you truly are free."

The boy again said, "But I'm NOT free."

The teacher continued, "Yes, you really are free. Your parents just want you to grow to be a disciplined and well-behaved young man, so they work their hardest to instill in you the best values they possibly can."

The boy responded, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

Long ago, there was a Norse Love God, named "Thor."

One morning, after a full night's orgy, Thor noticed that the girl that garnered his almost complete attention the night before was also one of his servants.

However, Thor did not even know the girl's name, and as fetchingly beautiful as she looked this morning, Thor wanted to know who she was. So, Thor decided to introduce himself to the servant girl.

Thor: "Hi! I'm Thor!"

Girl: "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!!!"

Eve Checks On Adam

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

:)

10 Ways To Tell If a Redneck Is Working
At a Computer in Your Office
Author Unknown
10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
9. The keyboard is camouflage patterned.
8. There is a Dr. Pepper can in the CD-ROM drive.
7. The password is "bubba."
6. The six front keys have rotted out.
5. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
4. Outgoing faxes have cold drink stains on them.
3. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
2. The menus all have Dr. Pepper, and Royal Crown Cola options.
1. And the #1 way to tell if a Redneck works in your office: The monitor is up on blocks.

This is a (supposedly) "true" story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Alleged actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

~ Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!

~ Do they bother to sterilize needles for lethal injections?

~ I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

~ Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

~ Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just seem longer?

~ I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

~ If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

~ If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

~ After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

~ Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?

~ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

~ If it's called 'tourist season', then why can't we shoot them?

~ How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

~ Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

~ If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

~ Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

~ Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

~ If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

~ Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

~ What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

~ What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

~ When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

~ Do fish get cramps after eating?

~ Why do scientists call it 're-search' when they are looking for something new?

~ If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

~ Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

~ Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

~ Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?

~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as '4s'?

~ Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Two vultures boarded a plane headed for Orlando. Each vulture was carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stopped them and said, "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."

My favorite things New Orleans style

I'm sure you're familiar with the Julie Andrews version of the song
"My Favorite Things," but the greater New Orleans area has many
"Favorite Things" too. "Warm woolen mittens" did not make the list,
however. Most are still around, yet some are just memories. Here are
some new lyrics for a song celebrating those many things held dear:
Sing to the rhythm of "My Favorite Things".

> Crawfish and crab boil and Creole tomatoes,
> Fat Harry's cheese-covered French fried potatoes,
> Lovin' the way that Fats Domino sings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Flames of the flambeaux, the satire of Momus,
> Beautiful tableaux, the mystery of Comus,
> Colorful coc'nuts from dark Zulu Kings,
> These have been truly spectacular things.
>
> When the termites
> Fly on May nights,
> It's not all that bad.
> I simply recall these New Orleans things
> And then I don't feel so sad.

>
> Debris on a Ferdi or shrimp from Manale's,
> Plantation homes with historic oak alleys,
> Driving to Popeye's for fried chicken wings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Andouille gumbo and rich jambalaya,
> Pronouncing Tchefuncta and Bogue Falaya,
> Galatoire's lunches on Fridays in Spring,
> Any of these is a wonderful thing.
>
> On the Westbank
> Garland 's Think Tank
> Sometimes gets me sad.
> I simply recall these New Orleans things
> And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> Sugary beignets with coffee and chicory,
> Trying to navigate Hickory and Dickory,
> A six-pack of Dixie with fried onion rings,
> Benny Grunch also has favorite things
>
> Tom Dempsey's kick when the Saints played the Lions,
> Sippin' a Hurricane at Old Pat O'Brien's,
> Bartholomew's "Monkey" or "My Ding-A-Ling",
> Oh what a hip yet hilarious thing!
>
> When my snowball
> Takes a free fall
> On the neutral ground,
> I conjure up some of these favorite things
> And pretty soon I know I'll rebound.
>
> Bacchus, Endymion, Orpheus, Muses,
> Lagniappe and grillades and riverboat cruises,
> Sazeracs served on some fabulous fling,
> It's off to Adler's in search of some bling.
>
> Breakfast at Brennan's and Mass on a Sunday,
> Red beans and rice with a Barq's on a Monday,
> A Morgus mistake and the chaos it brings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> There's Mandina's,
> Tipitina's,
> Big Chief writing pad!
> I simply remember these "Big Easy" things
> And then I don't feel so bad!

Top 10 Reasons to Date Engineers

10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system.

9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do.

8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships.

7. Your parents will approve.

6. You can get help with your math homework.

5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode.

4. It looks good on a resume.

3. We do free body diagrams.

2. We have a high starting salary.

And the number one reason to date an engineer.....

1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!

Eve Checks On Adam

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

:)

:lol:

Top 10 Reasons to Date Engineers

10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system.

9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do.

8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships.

7. Your parents will approve.

6. You can get help with your math homework.

5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode.

4. It looks good on a resume.

3. We do free body diagrams.

2. We have a high starting salary.

And the number one reason to date an engineer.....

1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!

:drool: i must date an engineer!

A married couple was driving home one cold night
when the wife asked her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the
road, she got out to see if it was still alive and it was.

She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
The wife asks, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He said, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asked.
" Just hold its little nose."

Funny One-Liners for Father's Day

- One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. So they put a cot in the kitchen.

- If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

- Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it difficult to explain to my son who is 5 inches taller than I am why junk food is bad for you.

- I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use it when mother is around!

- I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold!


Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.


Make Breakfast for Daddy

One Sunday morning my son, Jasper, came into the kitchen to find me preparing a big breakfast for his mom.

He asked me, "Why are you making Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?"

"No, Jasper," I replied, "It's Mother's Day."

After giving a few moments thought to what I'd said, he responded:

"Oh," said Jasper, "then is every other day Father's Day?"


The Father's Day Card

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.

Later, when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud:

"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too..."

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
:lmao: IF ONLY! haha

why did tigger keep looking in the toilet? :secret: He was looking for pooh!

What kind of bees make milk? :secret: boobees

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close
your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and
walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was
open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question
about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said,, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires

An older man was driving down the highway when his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife urgently warn him " Honey there's a car going the wrong way down Interstate 80!" Heck, he said " It's not just one car its hundreds of them".

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very

carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've

decided to give your wife $850 a week," "That's very

fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now

and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. Purchase a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer, make sure you buy this particular brand. When you get home, lock your doors & close the curtains, disconnect the phone so you won't be disturbed. Change into comfy clothes, pour a refreshing adult beverage and settle into your most comfortable chair. Open the package, remove the thermometer, and carefully set it down so it doesn't get damaged or broken. Now for the fun part! Take the literature from the package and read it carefully. You will notice a statement in the fine print:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times: "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Have a nice day and remember: There is always someone out there with a job that is more of a pain in the behind than yours!

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In
Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devi Sed A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.









This Is Done By The Chip Monks.

You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In
Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devi Sed A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.








This Is Done By The Chip Monks.

You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?


Quit shouting, schooby!

How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?



Turn it upside down!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a tall blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your degenerating blonde jokes, you little jerk. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person - because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, not having ever encountered a heckler before, the young ventriloquist begins to apologize.

But the blonde cuts him off: "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order and he asks her, "what's the special of the day?"
"Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the rotten body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

This one is guaranteed to be farking hilarious!


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

20 George Carlin from listverse.com ... RIP

1. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

5. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.

13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

15. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

16. The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

17. The status quo sucks.

18. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

20. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Lawyers and Blonds, oh my!


A blond and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blond asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blond 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blond his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blond pays the lawyer five dollars. The blond then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blond 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blond gave the lawyer five dollars.

Was looking for a jokes thread... but couldn't find one. (a relevant one)

Here's my joke:

First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night ?
Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper !

Heaven's Shining Waters
George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink." Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?" The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

hehe :lol:

Football Animals
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Ok, I probably totally butchered this, but I tried to type it up like I heard it:

A man goes to his local golf club and he was stopped by a worker. "We have a priest who is interested in learning the game. Would you play a round with him?" The man says sure and he and the priest get to the first tee.

The man swings and misses the ball and yells, "Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
The priest is shocked and says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. Im a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder!"
"I'm sorry father. I take my golf game very seriously. It won't happen again though."

At the second tee, the man swings and misses again.
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
Again the priest says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. I'm a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder! And God may strike us down!"
"I'm sorry father. I take but I take my golf game very seriously. I promise, it won't happen again."

At the third tee, the swings and misses again!
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"

Suddenly thunder rumbles from the sky above and a lightening bolt strikes the priest dead. Then you hear from above, "Goddammit, fark it! I missed!"

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew

off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to

rest. He bent over to pick it up....



......then all the other bells started to ring.

A 31-year old smart professional NY woman goes grocery shopping. She wonders along the aisles and picks up stuff on her cart. At the checkout line, a fat drunk man comes up and stands next to her. As she starts picking up her grocery - a head of romaine lettuce, 1/2 gallon of nonfat organic milk, sliced whole grain bread, apples, coffee beans, non-dairy creamer and some oatmeal cookies, the drunk says "You must be single!"

The woman gets slightly perturbed by this sudden awkwardness, but her intelligent mind feels intrigued by the drunk man's observation power, especially how he was able to say that from her particular choice of grocery - which obviously was the only noticeable thing about a random woman waiting at a checkout line.

She asks politely, "Wow! How did you find that out sir?"

"Cuz you're fark ugly", says the man

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A GROSS ONE LOL

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

:vomit:

:vomit:

:iagree:

:vomit:

:vomit:

:iagree:

:vomit:

:lol: Hope I didn't destroy you guys' lunch

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said

'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

:lol: Hope I didn't destroy you guys' lunch

I did not even eat lunch

This one is guaranteed to be farking hilarious!


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

lol oh man im in class and i read this and i had to control my laughter so bad so i wouldn't laugh, lol this was good

plus this class is boring today

lol oh man im in class and i read this and i had to control my laughter so bad so i wouldn't laugh, lol this was good

plus this class is boring today
LOL! He got up, got dressed, just to push a guy on a swing set.

The Test
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.'''' Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0'''' Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''

Famous Last Word
I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one! Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson. Rat poison only kills rats. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious!

Cough Syrup
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Good ones, Mobius. The last word one had me laughing!

And A Lawyer Made Man
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
-------------------------------
Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
-----------------------
What To Do With Bin Laden
As for what to do with Osama bin Laden:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.(if only they were still in power)
----------------------------------------------
Bin Laden's Great Wall
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
-------------------------------------
Blonde Bar
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Placing Your Order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."



More later

Wife Jokes 1
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema?


A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."


The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."


A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"


A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.


There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it.
She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!
She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard."
He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!"


George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."


A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, fark, Etc."


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."


Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush."

Good ones Mobius :thumbup:

TY :)

I got some more :)


Feeling Guilty
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

--------------------------------


Confused People
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"

The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."

The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"

The second responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

------------------------------------------------


Iron Phone
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."
-------------------------------------------------

Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Not a joke ... but a riddle


Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it): Half a cat

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don'tforget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose
with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees...Ees...Ees ...Eees a Ham Bush.

Not a joke ... but a riddle


Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it): Half a cat

a girl on her......... nvm

Senile... Like a FOX!
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.


a girl on her......... nvm


:lol:

Not a joke ... but a riddle


Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it): Half a cat
twisted... but I really lol'ed :lol:

Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."



twisted... but I really lol'ed :lol:

:iagree:, but I did not really :lol: about it

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married
> again.
> She put an ad in the local paper that read:
> 'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT
> ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
> ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'
>
> On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
> opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
> wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
> The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you,
> are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
> The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
> She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
> Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
> She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
> bed???'
> The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the
> doorbell, didn't I?'

What You Learn About Computers In Movies E-mail

There are some interesting things you can learn about the behavior of computer in movies (and in television). Here's a list of some of the more curious observations about movie computers:

* Word processors never display a cursor, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
* You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display 2-inch high letters.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
* Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* Any PERMISSION DENIED has an override function.
* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
* If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
* If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
* Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
* Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
* Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
----------------------------------------------

Time Traveler Software E-mail

Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveler 1.0, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.

The first version of TimeTraveler, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back ?"

A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives."

TimeTraveler 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows 2010.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveler on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the time travel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930's Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy." the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveler 1.02 from the release notes:

CHECK THE TIME

When installing TimeTraveler, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from "Taxi" or even worse, like Bill and Hillary.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH

TimeTraveler uses Billzebub®, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing TimeTraveler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.

MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD

When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.

DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS

A popular destination for many time travelers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretch pants."

BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS

Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to "say cheese" may result in a broadsword to the head.

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF

Archaeologists will resent digging up the flashlight you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.

DO NOT USE TimeTraveler TO CHANGE HISTORY
Even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveler to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveler license agreement, and Microsoft will reveal your location to Satan.

THIS ONE IS NASTY! Don't try eating while reading. You've been warned

A badly deformed leper goes to a bar. The bartender gets visibly flustered but maintains his composure and serves him drinks. After a while, he can't take it anymore and pukes all over the leper. The leper feels hurt and says "I understand that you didn't like me coming in here but that was really uncalled for".

The bartender replies, "I am so sorry! See it's not you. The guy sitting behind you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck man"

----------------------------------------------------------

Edit: To complement the above one let me also repost this one

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

A guy is in a line at the market when he notices that the hot blonde

behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he

says:

"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of

one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I

shagged on the poker table in front of all my buddies while your partner

whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "But I am your son's English teacher...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One ". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.6 5". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said,
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed the weed.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Thinking On Your Feet...

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

:crylol:

What's the purpose of snails for a dinner party though?

:crylol:

What's the purpose of snails for a dinner party though?
That part confused me too, but isn't it like some sort of gourmet dish? Though I wouldn't want snails fresh off the beach!

Yeah I was thinking it could've been escargot, but why wouldn't it just say that then?

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter,
'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

Rick the Stick: Amateur Porn Star/Driving Instructor.

Rick The Stick: What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa: Lisa.
Rick The Stick: Alright Lisa. Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa: Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick: Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick: I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa: Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick: Don't be silly angel. It feels good.
Lisa: ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa: Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick: Ready to go? Already? Amateur. I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa: Huh? Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*
Rick The Stick: Oh baby, to the right. To the right baby. Oh yeah, just like that.
Lisa: Is this good?
Rick The Stick: Yeah, keep going. Keep going. Nice.
Lisa: Faster?
Rick The Stick: Just a little.
Lisa: Good?
Rick The Stick: A little faster. Yes. Perfect. You're doing so good. Is this your first time?
Lisa: No, I've been out with my dad a few times.
Rick The Stick: You sick bitch. I love it.
Lisa: Excuse me?
Rick The Stick: Quiet. Make sure you are using your hands correctly.
Lisa: Like this?
Rick The Stick: Higher. Lower. There!
Lisa: This feels a little awkward.
Rick The Stick: That's what she said!
*Rick's cell rings*
Rick The Stick: Hey Boss? What's that? You want me to come in? Ok, I'm coming.
*Rick hangs up cell*
Lisa: We've only been doing it for like forty-five seconds.
Rick The Stick: I'm sorry, angel.
Lisa: This was hardly even worth me coming out here...
Rick The Stick: Doll, I said I'm sorry. I usually go for days.
*Rick's cell rings again*
Rick The Stick: "Boss, I said I'm coming! I am coming, sir!" I'm coming!
Lisa: This is ridiculous...
Rick The Stick: I'm com....
Lisa: ...you just :censored: your pants...
Rick The Stick: I love my job.

:lmao:

damn boy, i have to change my underwear now :\

i usually laugh at dirty jokes but that is just dumb

damn boy, i have to change my underwear now :\

:lol:

Extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

You left out the best one:

The pedestrian hit my car and then went underneath.

to lazy to search to see if this has already been posted.

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "An Obama fan.

to lazy to search to see if this has already been posted.

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "An Obama fan.

This is one of those stupid jokes in which they just change the parties to keep up to date. I've heard it with Coke vs. Pepsi, Mets vs. Yankees, Cubs. vs. White Sox, Bush vs. Gore, everything. It just gets 'updated' and passed around the block.

to lazy to search to see if this has already been posted.

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "An Obama fan.

:lol: good one :highfive:

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what an McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an McCain fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an McCain fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "A McCain fan.

to lazy to search to see if this has already been posted.

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "An Obama fan.

That joke is so old, even McCain knows it!

A teacher in Elmira , New York , asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans. Not really knowing what an McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an McCain fan.

'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an McCain fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.

'

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.

'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny answered, "A McCain fan.
How original

Laughter does not make you live longer, in fact it kills you faster. Nice knowing you all.
:sadbye:

Laughter does not make you live longer, in fact it kills you faster. Nice knowing you all.
:sadbye:

Guess I'll be around for a long time--would put a smilie but that would be counterproductive...

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
__________________

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
__________________

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Great ones Cheergal :rofl2:

:applause:

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
oh shit! :lmao:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running!

Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

This is an old email that has been going around for many years. But I received it again today and it got me to wondering. Are kids really better off these days? Yes, some things are better but do we pamper and coddle our kids too much these days?


Those Born 1920-1979


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitch hiking.


As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes. No video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and
inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


If YOU are one o f them...CONGRATULATIONS!


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Wait..... is that the same generation of people that left 11 billion dollars of debt for us as well? Or is it the one that drank and/or smoked crack through their pregnancies...?


Just wondering. ;)

Wait..... is that the same generation of people that left 11 billion dollars of debt for us as well? Or is it the one that drank and/or smoked crack through their pregnancies...?


Just wondering. ;):confused: I think the national debt is something like $9 trillion

yeah.. we're much better off.. then as we turn older we have to pay back a 9 trillian dollar debt. I heard that's like 20k per person! even toddlers/babies. INSANE!

:confused: I think the national debt is something like $9 trillion

:secret: Shhhh, don't make him feel he's one of those kids who's parents "drank/smoked crack through their pregnancy." :lol:

My friend and I were just talking about this the other day. I would really like to live back in the 1800s. Yes, it was hard physically and such, but simple. You grew your own food, had a horse and buggy, didn't worry about everyone else taking care of you (the government). Although, i'm not sure how I would do without air conditioning... and internet ;)

My friend and I were just talking about this the other day. I would really like to live back in the 1800s. Yes, it was hard physically and such, but simple. You grew your own food, had a horse and buggy, didn't worry about everyone else taking care of you (the government). Although, i'm not sure how I would do without air conditioning... and internet ;)I don't think I'd like that...since average life span was around 45 back then, I might not have many years left. :)

Kids today are spoiled and :crying2:babies. True story.

This is an old email that has been going around for many years. But I received it again today and it got me to wondering. Are kids really better off these days? Yes, some things are better but do we pamper and coddle our kids too much these days?


Those Born 1920-1979


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitch hiking.


As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes. No video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and
inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


If YOU are one o f them...CONGRATULATIONS!


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


Don't forget about how we had Tonka toys made out of STEEL that would last through anything, unlike the cheap plastic toys you get for kids now. :nod:

I hate this every single time I see it. All those things are well and good if you're not the one that lost someone because of one of the mentioned things. Yeah, those of you who lived through it, good for you, but remember, not everyone did. People did lose infants from having untreated diabetes in pregnancy, lose kids in car accidents who weren't properly restrained, get mercury poisoning, etc.

Damn Tonka trucks :rant: they were ugly and hard. Mom never threw them out because they were "still good". besides my cabbage patch I got most of my toys from goodwill---know why? They were "still good"!

10 posts and no repost police? sigh. failures!

10 posts and no repost police? sigh. failures!

Sorry ARJ.

REPOST!

Close Enough For Government
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

How original

Right, because the first one was REALLY 'original'. It's beyond stupid at this point.

My friend and I were just talking about this the other day. I would really like to live back in the 1800s. Yes, it was hard physically and such, but simple. You grew your own food, had a horse and buggy, didn't worry about everyone else taking care of you (the government). Although, i'm not sure how I would do without air conditioning... and internet ;)

You could always move to a place where things are similarly simple. Not everywhere in the world requires wearing a suit to work and driving a car, go buy a few acres of fertile land somewhere and be a farmer.

I hate this every single time I see it. All those things are well and good if you're not the one that lost someone because of one of the mentioned things. Yeah, those of you who lived through it, good for you, but remember, not everyone did. People did lose infants from having untreated diabetes in pregnancy, lose kids in car accidents who weren't properly restrained, get mercury poisoning, etc.

+100000000

We hear this all the time from our parents. Here are some infant mortality rates (infant deaths/1,000 live births):

Year Rate
1920 86
1930 65
1940 47
1950 29
1960 26
1970 20
1980 13

Seems like we're doing a whole lot better, no? Although I do agree with a lot of the stuff, like actually going out and playing, getting hurt and not suing, etc.

Close Enough For Government
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

That made me LOL ....

Must be a Baltimore City worker ....

Jeez you guys... I thought this was a joke thread.

The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads, shrugged and looked at each other dumb founded.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

Wisdom of Supermodels

ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-Cindy Crawford

ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson


ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis

ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks

ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece

ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs

ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz

ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-Carol Alt

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista

ON THOUGHT
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova

ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-Linda Evangelista

Things I Have Learned from Children

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

lol, I was already planning to go mix Clorox with brake fluid well before I read the last line.

An old white-haired guy walks into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blond girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning' a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man, "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ’I’ve been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Men and women

http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j194/rawpower1031/truth.jpg

Harry came home realy drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Harry."

Harry was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back:... as a chicken."

Harry was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Harry the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Harry. "Well, just relax and let it happen."

Harry did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Harry was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Harry! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!"

MARRIED LIFE

MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

' I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer , my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop ... but at the bar... You know .. they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...¢

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story