Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
RETIRED: Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
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Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at.
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at.
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Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky , (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American , using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization.
"$500,000," the first man replied. "I was a trial attorney."
Saint Peter asked the same question of the second man. "$200,000," the second man replied. "I sold real estate."
Saint Peter then asked the third man the same question. The third man's answer was "$5,000."
Saint Peter said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left
side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and
the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
Scroll down for Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and next time, don't drink
so much.
A girl in church has hope in her soul..
A girl in the tub has soap in her hole
A girl in church has hope in her soul..
A girl in the tub has soap in her hole
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One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"
At 1:30 a.m., he wakes up in a panic and gets dressed. Not knowing how he is going to explain himself, he goes into her bathroom and gets some baby powder and spreads it all over his pants.
When he gets home his wife is waiting and she is furious.
He says, "Honey, I can explain. I know after last time I promised you I would never lie to you again, so here is the truth. I went to have a beer on the way home and met this beautiful young woman. We got drunk, took a cab to her place, had sex, and I fell asleep."
She looks him up and down and she says, "You lying son of a b*tch, you've been playing pool for money again."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the ___ happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing " WITH " you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the crumsumten of alcahol may Mack yu tink you kan tipe reel good.
20 insults for a naked man
1. Wow, and your feet are so big!
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. (giggle and point)
10. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
11. At least this won't take long.
12. I never saw one like this before.
13. But it still works, right?
14. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light...?
16. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird."
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It's OK, we'll work around it.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Is that an optical illusion?