Joined Jan 2009
L5: Journeyman
Forum Thread
XL_Jockey isn't known to brag...
May 26, 2009 at
05:55 AM
in
Chat
In order to prepare the yard for the new playset to arrive sometime in the near future I found out that I was expected to clean up all the branches, including the gigantic pile behind the shed.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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So I make sure my 3yo gets on the potty to do her business because she just hasn't been going regularly, and I know she's getting backed up. It's weird that you have to cheer and praise a kid for going poop. Anyway, I'm finishing up getting the little one to bed, just zipping up her jammies and taking her empty bottle away. I just need to lay her down, turn on her music and shut the door. Then this conversation ensues from the bathroom:
G: Daddy, I did lots of poopy!
Me: Great job, keep pushing it all out!
G: I have some poopy on my hands.
Me: That's okay, I'll wash you off. Great job though!
G: I think I have a lot of poopy on my hands.
Me: It's okay (as I start to walk into the bathroom) I'll just wash your ha... OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?!
G: I couldn't push it all out so I tried pulling (innocent smile)
Okay, not nearly close to a monster truck, but it makes me believe my penis is larger.
Okay, not nearly close to a monster truck, but it makes me believe my penis is larger.
are you still getting some? or should we reset the counter to zero?
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Supposedly I need anger management. I'm supposed to see if our insurance covers it. I asked her about marriage counseling instead, but nope, anger management is definitely the problem. That really pissed me off.
In that way you wouldn't even need anger management therapy.
Where have ya been?
I need to travel to Louisiana in a couple weeks. I'm hoping I get my weekly allowance before I go and right when I get back. I wonder if I can save it up for something special instead...
So, I'm still getting some, on a regular basis (1-2 times/week).
However, my wife decided to peruse the new PC that she never cared about before, and decided to check the history, just in case.
Let's just say that I didn't realize that porn had such interesting titles for their videos. I always just clicked on the ones with the biggest boobs.
I found out today that she thinks watching porn is the same as cheating (I know there's already a thread about that) so yeah, I think the active streak has been broken and things will go back to the way they used to be for a while. FML.
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Should have deleted the history or used private browsing.