Joined Jan 2009
L5: Journeyman
Forum Thread
XL_Jockey isn't known to brag...
May 26, 2009 at
05:55 AM
in
Chat
In order to prepare the yard for the new playset to arrive sometime in the near future I found out that I was expected to clean up all the branches, including the gigantic pile behind the shed.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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I'm always giving her back rubs, running my hands through her hair, massages, etc., but I need to cash in on this somehow. I've decided I need to implement a reward system at home.
Here's what I'm thinking. A 10-minute massage or shoulder rub is worth 1 point. Doing the dishes or laundry is one point. Going one night without cursing about how much I hate my dog is one point (two points if he tries to lick me after eating his own poo and doesn't get a boot to the face). One point for each daughter I give a bath to. An extra point if I remember to brush their teeth too. And I think 1 point per book read before bedtime.
Now the important part. I need to cash in these points. I should be able to redeem:
1pt = 1 sandwich
1pt = served 1 beer
2pt = served 1 beer while wearing something sexy, with an addl 1 point to slap her ass if necessary
5pt = 5 minutes of OT
20pt = PIITB
Am I missing anything?
45pt=threesome but she doesn't participate
I've caught up and lapped her by now.
I've caught up and lapped her by now.
Fine, OTs are 10pts then.
Fine, OTs are 10pts then.
I suspect she'll find a way to subtract point from you for knocking her up.
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You're doing it wrong. When the wife asks you take out the garbage, you say "Okay but I'll need a OT later." Or wants you to mow the lawn, you say "Okay but you're on top tonight.". Or when she wants you to fix her car, you say "Okay but I need to PIITB afterwards." ....... and you smile because you installed a toggle switch on her car that turns the 'check engine' light on and off.
You're doing it wrong. When the wife asks you take out the garbage, you say "Okay but I'll need a OT later." Or wants you to mow the lawn, you say "Okay but you're on top tonight.". Or when she wants you to fix her car, you say "Okay but I need to PIITB afterwards." ....... and you smile because you installed a toggle switch on her car that turns the 'check engine' light on and off.
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