Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast
as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the
liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you,
Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
Tree
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast
as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the
liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you,
Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
Tree
Neither, because they both don't exsist!
Neither, because they both don't exsist!
Banky Edwards: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, okay? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, okay? You following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky Edwards: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fark, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky Edwards: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky Edwards: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky Edwards: [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your farking imagination!
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grand- children. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.
Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.
I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.
Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'
***
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned...
One for the chemistry geeks...
An ion goes into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"
Bartender: "For you, no charge."
knock-a-knock
who's there?
repeat
repeat who?
Okay. Who who who who who.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, Olive or Twist?
Man ..."Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a Moth"
Doc ...."You should be talking to a Psychiatrist about this, why have you come here?"
Man..."Well, your big porch light was on, and I just couldn't resist"
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the bar and says 'Can you put me up for the night?'
***
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night,
but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterward the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him
if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies...
"You just happened to catch my eye."
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old a$$?"
"Oh sorry, Your name never came up," she replied.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
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