Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
RETIRED: Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
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Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at.
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at.
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year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and
my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and
that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't
really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to
go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw
them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to
the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in
his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: Always keep your condoms in your car.
...a Japanese Samurai
...a Chinese Samurai
...and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on theground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "This is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe, "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! but the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
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A little winter fun:
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Lungman00 your jokes are so funny haha
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The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A guy was having marital problems. The doctor tolod him take one pill and you will be ready for the best sex of your life. The guy did as told and it was the best of his life. So he thought if one pill was good, two has to be better. He takes two and it is even better. So if two was better than one, the rest of the bottle would have to be the most amazing sex ever.
The next morning a cop knocks on the door. The guys sons answers. The cop asks what the commotion was about. The son replies, I don't know but my butt hurts, my mom and sister are pregnant, and Dad is going around yelling here kitty, here kitty.
The cops get a call about a burglary. They go to the house and it turns out that it was a homeless guy and he was just looking for something to eat. The cops saw that the homeowners were really apologetic and didnt want to see the guy arrested but the cops said they have to take him in. the homeowners gave the guy a sandwich and a jacket. When the cops patted the guy down they found a bag of marijuana in the guys new jacket. The guy was as surprised as the cops. The cops had no choice but arrest him for the weed (possession is 9/10 of the law).
Evaluations
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.".
* "I would not allow this employee to breed."
* "This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
* "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
* "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." *
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
* "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
* "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
* "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." *
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
* "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
* "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
* "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
* "He's been working with glue too much."
* "He would argue with a sign post."
* "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
* "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
* "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
* "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
* "A prime candidate for natural de-selection"
* "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
* "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
* "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
* "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
* "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
* "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
* "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
* "One neuron short of a synapse."
* "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
* "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
* "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."