Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
That's just nasty.
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.
Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.
He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wife's love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.
He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.
Just then, he feels the stinging Whack! of a metal spatula against his knuckles.
He looks up to see his wife standing over him, saying "Don't you dare touch those cookies, they're for the funeral guests!"
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb-ass husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk."
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Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the appearance of doing something when all we did was the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?
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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then Tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
The Indian replied No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in There waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to The cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' From deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of The huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this Cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really Big, fine women in this cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced Into the cave, Tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the Headline of the local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN HIT BY A TRAIN!!!!!!
and said to his wife, Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said,
Quick, bring me another beer. Its going to start.
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, Quick, another beer before it starts.
Thats it! She blows her top, You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
dont even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Dont you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?
The husband sighed. Damn, its started.
Date: 2009-01-14, 2:09AM PDT
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the
open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiringMany wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much
paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholsteringCarpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end workHeadlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are
too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of
malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply.
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
The teacher told Pepito to use certain English words in a sentence. Here are Pepito's replies:
1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* - Ju told me ju were go ing to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair..
10. *Chicken* *wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
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