Joined Dec 2003
Diet coke of Evirl...
Forum Thread
how to poop at work...
March 29, 2004 at
07:42 AM
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> >
> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
> > We've all kicked back
> > in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
> > down below. As much
> > as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK
> > POOP is inevitable.
> > For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
> > Survival Guide for
> > taking a dump at work.
> >
> >
> > CROP DUSTING
> > When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
> > the smell is not in
> > your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> > know where it came
> > from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
> > the full fart has
> > been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
> > the smell has left
> > your pants.
> >
> >
> > FLY BY
> > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> > Walk in and check for
> > other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
> > leave and come back
> > again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> > People may become
> > suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
> > the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > ESCAPEE
> > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
> > urinal or forcing a
> > poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
> > sudden wave of
> > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
> > acknowledge it. Pretend
> > it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
> > farter in the urinal,
> > pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
> > escapee. It is
> > uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
> > laughing makes both
> > parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >
> > JAILBREAK
> > When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> > machine gun pace. This
> > is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
> > If this should
> > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
> > everyone has left the
> > bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> > just occurred.
> >
> >
> > COURTESY FLUSH
> > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> > hits the water. This
> > reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
> > up the bathroom.
> > This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
> > OF SHAME.
> >
> >
> > WALK OF SHAME
> > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
> > after you have just
> > stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
> > uncomfortable moment if
> > someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
> > best to pretend
> > that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
> > the use of the
> > COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >
> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
> > A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
> > it. You will often
> > see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
> > with a newspaper or
> > magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
> > the office for the Out
> > Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
> > emergency pooping goes
> > off without incident. This group can help you to
> > monitor the whereabouts
> > of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
> > HAVENS.
> >
> >
> > SAFE HAVENS
> > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
> > where you can least
> > expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
> > of the opposite sex.
> > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> > entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > TURD BURGLAR
> > Someone who does not realize that you are in the
> > stall and tries to
> > force the door open. This is one of the most
> > shocking and vulnerable
> > moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
> > If this occurs,
> > remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
> > This way you will
> > avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >
> > CAMO-COUGH
> > A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> > bathroom that you
> > are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
> > WATERMELON, or to alert
> > potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
> > conjunction with an
> > ASTAIRE.
> >
> >
> > ASTAIRE
> > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
> > Turd Burglars that you
> > are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
> > that the stall is
> > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the
> > pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >
> > WATERMELON
> > A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> > toilet water. This is
> > also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
> > Watermelon coming on,
> > create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> >
> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
> > We've all kicked back
> > in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
> > down below. As much
> > as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK
> > POOP is inevitable.
> > For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
> > Survival Guide for
> > taking a dump at work.
> >
> >
> > CROP DUSTING
> > When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
> > the smell is not in
> > your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> > know where it came
> > from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
> > the full fart has
> > been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
> > the smell has left
> > your pants.
> >
> >
> > FLY BY
> > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> > Walk in and check for
> > other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
> > leave and come back
> > again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> > People may become
> > suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
> > the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > ESCAPEE
> > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
> > urinal or forcing a
> > poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
> > sudden wave of
> > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
> > acknowledge it. Pretend
> > it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
> > farter in the urinal,
> > pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
> > escapee. It is
> > uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
> > laughing makes both
> > parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >
> > JAILBREAK
> > When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> > machine gun pace. This
> > is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
> > If this should
> > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
> > everyone has left the
> > bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> > just occurred.
> >
> >
> > COURTESY FLUSH
> > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> > hits the water. This
> > reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
> > up the bathroom.
> > This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
> > OF SHAME.
> >
> >
> > WALK OF SHAME
> > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
> > after you have just
> > stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
> > uncomfortable moment if
> > someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
> > best to pretend
> > that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
> > the use of the
> > COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >
> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
> > A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
> > it. You will often
> > see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
> > with a newspaper or
> > magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
> > the office for the Out
> > Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
> > emergency pooping goes
> > off without incident. This group can help you to
> > monitor the whereabouts
> > of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
> > HAVENS.
> >
> >
> > SAFE HAVENS
> > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
> > where you can least
> > expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
> > of the opposite sex.
> > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> > entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > TURD BURGLAR
> > Someone who does not realize that you are in the
> > stall and tries to
> > force the door open. This is one of the most
> > shocking and vulnerable
> > moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
> > If this occurs,
> > remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
> > This way you will
> > avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >
> > CAMO-COUGH
> > A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> > bathroom that you
> > are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
> > WATERMELON, or to alert
> > potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
> > conjunction with an
> > ASTAIRE.
> >
> >
> > ASTAIRE
> > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
> > Turd Burglars that you
> > are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
> > that the stall is
> > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the
> > pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >
> > WATERMELON
> > A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> > toilet water. This is
> > also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
> > Watermelon coming on,
> > create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
251 Comments
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Did he marry that girl in Florida? The one he drove through the tornado to visit?
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(a) another poll thread
(b) another mock-the-NE-Pats-fans thread
(c) bump an ancient thread?
*warning* do not read when you are about to eat or eating
1.) i used to work in a department store and one day, one of the maintenance guys came over and told us not to use the upstairs lady restroom for awhile. Details may be blurry but it was like CSI in there. we had to piece together the story by the crime scene. So a lady walks in with a real bad need to poop. she goes in the first stall she chooses. she must have ripped her pants down real fast and didn't even get a chance to sit on the seat when explosive diarrhea come blasting out. it covered the seat, the floor, the toilet stall partitions, the back wall, i think even a bit of the ceiling. so stall one is soiled and too gross for her to sit in anymore. needing to poop more, she waddles, with pants still down (and soiled i would assumed) into the next stall. as the poop was so explosive and covered all surfaces of the stall, it covered her butt surface too. she sits said butt surface down on toilet in stall two and finishes her business. in doing so, she smears poop all over the second toilet seat. and then vanishes. well i don't know if she vanishes, but i know i didn't see anyone walking around the store covered in poo. /end of story 1.
2.) for about six months, i had to fly down from seattle to santa barbara once a month for work. this was a pretty easy trip. 2.5 hour flight. small airport in santa barbara so it was fast security. relatively no problems. one day, our flight was delayed. we didn't find out why until one of my coworkers, who had checked in online, tried to get a boarding pass at the airport since she left hers at work. though she had checked in online fine, at the airport they said she didn't and assigned her a seat. this prompted me and another coworker to check ours. we had the same problem. apparently they closed half the plane so that no one was sitting in the back half of the plane. it was a small plane, only four seats across about 17 rows. we found out that someone had a major "accident" on the plane and it was so bad, they closed half the plane. all i could imagine was someone had projectile vomiting or something. but half the plane? more information came later. it was an "accident" in the one bathroom they have on board. the delay was because, to clean it, a hazmat team had to come in. it was a contamination site. yes a hazmat team! we finally boarded after a 2 hour delay and they ended up closing off only the last two rows to somewhat "control" the smell. however, the bathroom was closed off too. federal regulations stated you cannot fly more than 90 minutes or something without an operable bathroom. so for a normal 2.5 hour direct flight from santa barbara to seattle, we had to land in portland for half an hour so everyone can take a potty break! needless to say, i was very happy to get home that night.
Lost it at Camo-Cough!
*warning* do not read when you are about to eat or eating
1.) i used to work in a department store and one day, one of the maintenance guys came over and told us not to use the upstairs lady restroom for awhile. Details may be blurry but it was like CSI in there. we had to piece together the story by the crime scene. So a lady walks in with a real bad need to poop. she goes in the first stall she chooses. she must have ripped her pants down real fast and didn't even get a chance to sit on the seat when explosive diarrhea come blasting out. it covered the seat, the floor, the toilet stall partitions, the back wall, i think even a bit of the ceiling. so stall one is soiled and too gross for her to sit in anymore. needing to poop more, she waddles, with pants still down (and soiled i would assumed) into the next stall. as the poop was so explosive and covered all surfaces of the stall, it covered her butt surface too. she sits said butt surface down on toilet in stall two and finishes her business. in doing so, she smears poop all over the second toilet seat. and then vanishes. well i don't know if she vanishes, but i know i didn't see anyone walking around the store covered in poo. /end of story 1.
these are hilarious by the way thanks for bumping this thread!!
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