Joined Jun 2006
L7: Teacher
Forum Thread
Is my kid crazy?
August 3, 2010 at
05:04 PM
I am at the end of my rope with my 4.5 year old's screaming, kicking, hitting temper tantrums. She's an only child and is so sweet most of the time but when she gets really mad, she's awful. Like head spinning, pea soup awful. I know that it is mostly (if not all) our fault and we need to change out behaviors, too. We aren't consistent and have been too "go with the flow." I try to reason with her but it clearly isn't working. Time out use to work somewhat when she was little but she's old enough to realize that I can't keep her there unless I were to physically force her. It has become a power struggle and I can tell she is doing things to push my buttons.
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
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I really think we need a whole new approach to discipline but there are 101 books out there and I don't know where to start.
I really think we need a whole new approach to discipline but there are 101 books out there and I don't know where to start.
One tactic I've seen suggested a lot is to completely ignore the tantrums - if they start whining/crying/etc trying to get you to do something, just get up, walk away, and go about your day.
You must not give in to the tantrums under any circumstances.
One tactic I've seen suggested a lot is to completely ignore the tantrums - if they start whining/crying/etc trying to get you to do something, just get up, walk away, and go about your day.
You must not give in to the tantrums under any circumstances.
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My six year old has (and has always had) major issues with aggression, violence, and defiance. We have done everything short of strapping him to a chair to control the problem.
It took awhile before I realized that my husband and I were at the root of most of the problem. We at least laid the foundation and he walked all over us. He was an only child for almost 3 years and I let him get away with anything. We paid for that mistake and still do at times.
He still pushes me but he now realizes what's at stake if he continues. (ie. losing priviledges) First we had to let him know that we make the decisions. Then we had to act on them. He has choices. I found that giving him some control helped him to feel in control, even though he really isn't. I had to sit outside his door, remove anything breakable from his room, and stay put for almost 2 hours the first time I said "enough is enough."
It wasn't easy. I think I cried more than him but we are MUCH better for it now. I swear my third and fourth babies will be better off in the long run than my first two because we didn't make those mistakes again and again. lol
Hang in there. I know sometimes it is so easy to give in but then you only make it harder the next time.
Yes, we do. That's the big inconsistency we have. Sometimes we let things go when we probably shouldn't. Sometimes half way through a tantrum, I decide it's not worth it to argue anymore. Like if she wants to go outside and blow bubbles but it's literally 105 degrees out and I want to wait until later in the afternoon. Instead of just sticking with no, I will try to explain to her why we can;t right now, tell her we will go out later. After 5 minutes of crying and yelling, I just say fine and take her. I know that is a big part of the problem. But sticking to no when it's not a huge deal doesn't seem worth it. But that just makes it that much worse when I have to stick with no.
I really think we need a whole new approach to discipline but there are 101 books out there and I don't know where to start.
ummmm how about the fact that YOU ARE NEGOTIATING WITH A 5 y/o..... the kid doesnt know better, no more negotiating, you are a parent so START ACTING LIKE IT and make decisions for the kid. It's 105 outside then say
No we are not going outside right now.
no explanation nothing more. as a parent you are not responsible for giving an explanation for why. When the kid begins to understand things more clearly in 1-2 years then you start giving explanations but right now you need to focus on getting the chain of command down and makng sure that you are just the one who gets to make the decisions and the reason you make them is simply "because you do". stop the discussions and the reasoning, you are putting way to much trust and responsibility in a child that does not have the capacity to fill the role you are putting them in.
If the kid doesnt listen when you make these decisions for them then you need to give them consistant negative feedback,
"I said we arent going outside, you went outside anyways. Because you did not listen you are going to the corner to think about what you did for 30 minutes."
If the kid wont stay in the corner, then simply put them back in the corner with NO DISCUSSION as many times as needs to happen. Most important don't laugh or they will think its a game, dont hover over them. Remember "I can do this all night long." is what you want them to realize. Stay consistent and focus on the cause effect so they get the pattern that these things are happening because you said something and they did another. You are not negotiating it.
If the kid starts yelling and screaming then get up and walk into the other room and do something else. Check on them every few minutes because they are a child but SHOW THEM THAT YOUR LIFE IS MOVING ON.
Being a parent is tough and there are no easy outs. So don't be upset with yourself. Parenting "techniques" are a hit or miss exercise, for some children a technique will work like a charm and for another child it is a complete and total disaster.
Here are some of my observations about parenting ......
You can NOT reason or negotiate with a child, ever. If you try to negotiate you will lose the argument.
You are NOT their friend. You are their parent, protector, provider, teacher and disciplinarian, not their friend.
A child will constancy challenge your authority. If you don't always maintain your authority or not "give in", the child will figure out that bad behavior is an effective tool to get what they want.
You should have a set list of punishments "steps" to deal with bad behavior. If step one doesn't work, move to step two and so on. You need to keep "stepping up" the punishment until the child accepts the fact that "no" means "no" or "clean your room" means "clean your room now" or "do your homework" means "do your homework now".
Most parents object to corporal punishment, but for some children it is a necessary tool and should be incorporated when everything else fails. Generally you never have to use corporal punishment after two or three times, if you have "key" words to announce that corporal punishment is "next on the list". Saying something like, "I had enough" before engaging corporal punishment will be a notice to the child that things are about to become ugly and will generally result in a change of attitude and behavior before corporal punishment is enacted.
Both parents must be on the same "page" about rules and punishment, what the child is allowed to do and is not allowed to do. If the parents do not agree on set rules, the child will play one parent against the other ...... and the child will win and get what they want, which undermines the parent's authority.