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Would you advise your cousin's girlfriend not to get engaged? *UPDATED!!*
December 8, 2015 at
12:09 PM
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Ok, this is about my wife's 23 yr old cousin. He and his girlfriend have been together off and on for about 4 years now.
Doesn't go to school and has no idea what he wants to do. He has no ambition for anything bigger. And if he does, it would be to become a nfl football player.
Lives at home. Up until recently mom would finance everything for him. With mom's money he bought his gf a Tiffany's ring (birthday gift). Just recently got a part time at a fast food place.
She is 22 yrs old and has a full time job and goes to school full time. We absolutely love her and have gotten to know her very well because she babysat for us. She'll come spend the weekend with us, etc etc. We've been there for her when they are broken up.
She has been living "on her own" since she was 16. It basically means that she has been bouncing around from aunt to aunt and then ended up living at my wife's aunt's house. A room became available once the aunt's son went off to college. Aunt didn't want to have an empty house, so she gladly moved in free of charge.
The girl is in love with my wife's family. It's a huge family and everyone loves her. She's always wanted to be a part of a big family.
Aunt's house has been under renovation for the last few months. So now she has been "living" at her bf's house on the couch. It's a two bedroom house. The mom and dad have one room and the other room is for his sister who is 20 and pregnant. He sleeps on couch and she sleeps on the other couch.
The girl is in love with "getting married". I think the act of it mostly. She's always had a timeline of when things need to be done.
We're a huge fan of hers, him not so much. We've encouraged her to venture out to date other guys. The last time he dumped her was while she was in the hospital. She understands that he is a total loser, but she loves him anyways.
He called us last Friday as we were walking out the door. He never calls us. He said that he had something to tell us in person. He told my wife's brother, which in turn told us. Something big is supposed to go down on Dec 19th. I'm sure he is calling to invite us, but we really don't don't necessarily "support" the engagement. I'm sure she will say "yes" because she was so excited a few weeks ago when my brother-in-law got engaged. Like I said, I think she in love with the "act" of doing all these things.
Damnit, why can't she just find someone better!
Doesn't go to school and has no idea what he wants to do. He has no ambition for anything bigger. And if he does, it would be to become a nfl football player.
Lives at home. Up until recently mom would finance everything for him. With mom's money he bought his gf a Tiffany's ring (birthday gift). Just recently got a part time at a fast food place.She is 22 yrs old and has a full time job and goes to school full time. We absolutely love her and have gotten to know her very well because she babysat for us. She'll come spend the weekend with us, etc etc. We've been there for her when they are broken up.
She has been living "on her own" since she was 16. It basically means that she has been bouncing around from aunt to aunt and then ended up living at my wife's aunt's house. A room became available once the aunt's son went off to college. Aunt didn't want to have an empty house, so she gladly moved in free of charge.
The girl is in love with my wife's family. It's a huge family and everyone loves her. She's always wanted to be a part of a big family.
Aunt's house has been under renovation for the last few months. So now she has been "living" at her bf's house on the couch. It's a two bedroom house. The mom and dad have one room and the other room is for his sister who is 20 and pregnant. He sleeps on couch and she sleeps on the other couch.
The girl is in love with "getting married". I think the act of it mostly. She's always had a timeline of when things need to be done.
We're a huge fan of hers, him not so much. We've encouraged her to venture out to date other guys. The last time he dumped her was while she was in the hospital. She understands that he is a total loser, but she loves him anyways.
He called us last Friday as we were walking out the door. He never calls us. He said that he had something to tell us in person. He told my wife's brother, which in turn told us. Something big is supposed to go down on Dec 19th. I'm sure he is calling to invite us, but we really don't don't necessarily "support" the engagement. I'm sure she will say "yes" because she was so excited a few weeks ago when my brother-in-law got engaged. Like I said, I think she in love with the "act" of doing all these things.
Damnit, why can't she just find someone better!
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I think it's pretty clear this is a mistake she needs to make herself. Everyone has issues, this is one of hers. I doubt very much she'll ever truly understand the depths of the mistake she's making until she's actually done it. If you saying something really won't do anything, perhaps just sit back, wait how ever long it takes for things to implode, and then be of help afterwards?
It can be difficult to watch the people we care about make a mistake, but sometimes it's what they need from us.
OP, you said she understands he's a loser, but she loves him anyways. Just exactly what do you think you can tell her to make her stop loving him?
While I'm very much a person that likes to be direct and honest, especially when it's hard, sometimes nothing good can come of it.
They wanted the Taj Mahal(or an equally big house) whereas I am content with just having a damn roof over my head with no need for it to be a 'show place'.
My advice: Let her find out first hand how difficult it's going to be to be with him.
I think it's pretty clear this is a mistake she needs to make herself. Everyone has issues, this is one of hers. I doubt very much she'll ever truly understand the depths of the mistake she's making until she's actually done it. If you saying something really won't do anything, perhaps just sit back, wait how ever long it takes for things to implode, and then be of help afterwards?
It can be difficult to watch the people we care about make a mistake, but sometimes it's what they need from us.
OP, you said she understands he's a loser, but she loves him anyways. Just exactly what do you think you can tell her to make her stop loving him?
While I'm very much a person that likes to be direct and honest, especially when it's hard, sometimes nothing good can come of it.
First off, they are young, and still growing up. They will change. Maybe they will mature and be an amazing couple forever. Who knows? They probably have the same odds whether you like the guy or not.
Second, if you go in not being supportive, then you are just putting up a barrier. I MIGHT say something like "OMG congrats! I am so happy for you! blah blah blah... gush gush gush... Now, I would be a terrible cousin if I didnt give you some advice. Marriage is TOUGH. Half of them end in divorce, and you two have had some ups and downs. I would recommend pre-marriage counseling to kind of discuss things, and learn how to make this wonderful decision last forever! We would be happy to help in anyway because we love and support you 100%"
And then learn to like the guy. Bring him in to the family with open arms. Get him to trust you and get an idea of your expectations for being a member of the family. Help him grow up basically.
First off, they are young, and still growing up. They will change. Maybe they will mature and be an amazing couple forever. Who knows? They probably have the same odds whether you like the guy or not.
Second, if you go in not being supportive, then you are just putting up a barrier. I MIGHT say something like "OMG congrats! I am so happy for you! blah blah blah... gush gush gush... Now, I would be a terrible cousin if I didnt give you some advice. Marriage is TOUGH. Half of them end in divorce, and you two have had some ups and downs. I would recommend pre-marriage counseling to kind of discuss things, and learn how to make this wonderful decision last forever! We would be happy to help in anyway because we love and support you 100%"
And then learn to like the guy. Bring him in to the family with open arms. Get him to trust you and get an idea of your expectations for being a member of the family. Help him grow up basically.
I think it's pretty clear this is a mistake she needs to make herself. Everyone has issues, this is one of hers. I doubt very much she'll ever truly understand the depths of the mistake she's making until she's actually done it. If you saying something really won't do anything, perhaps just sit back, wait how ever long it takes for things to implode, and then be of help afterwards?
It can be difficult to watch the people we care about make a mistake, but sometimes it's what they need from us.
OP, you said she understands he's a loser, but she loves him anyways. Just exactly what do you think you can tell her to make her stop loving him?
While I'm very much a person that likes to be direct and honest, especially when it's hard, sometimes nothing good can come of it.
Taking the girl out of the equation, and just looking at the guy at face value, you'd be shocked if he came out to say that he was looking to get married. I mean really shocked.
When my sister got engaged I thought she was no good for her fiancé. That he was too good for her, and she was crazy. I told her this, got slapped pretty good for it, never told him that he should run though. They were in their early/mid twenties. She has been wishy-washy with life decisions and goals whenever dating.
They got married. Engaged less than a year. I thought it was doomed, and I didn't really want to be involved in the wedding - my mom talked me into agreeing to be the maid of honor when I was asked.
Now they are in their late twenties, married almost five years, and her husband has been a great influence for her. She and I get along better now than I had ever imagined we would. She has matured, tries to make better decisions. My sister has always been bad with money, but her husband has a good grasp of it, and luckily she actually listens to him.
Sometimes it works out... They can balance each other out.
...Though when I was in my late teens I was dating a deadbeat bad influence, and people finally had an intervention of sorts for me. Thank goodness, because I was looking at spending my life with this guy who was wasting his life and ruining mine as well. It was one of those situations where my good characteristics couldn't outweigh his bad ones, but I just couldn't see it on my own.
Sooooo...
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Yes, it's frustrating to watch someone we love be with someone we don't think is right for them or ready for a real relationship, but anything you say won't make a difference.
Taking the girl out of the equation, and just looking at the guy at face value, you'd be shocked if he came out to say that he was looking to get married. I mean really shocked.
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