Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!

---On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of

whom loved to play together. One day the two

were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
...
began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving

at the farm, he searched and searched for the

farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's

new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the

chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he

still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but

happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,

and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope

the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of

the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly

forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,

rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken

rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the

farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was

cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks

later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon,

he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse

to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and

straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,

he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing

and he would then lift him out of the pit. The

chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him

up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep, you betcha, there

IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need

A Harley To Pick up Chicks!"See More

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Alittle girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. < br>
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




AKindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

A friend of a friend recommended this thread group for a few laughs......are newcomers welcome?

Quote from Giggles1 : A friend of a friend recommended this thread group for a few laughs......are newcomers welcome?

Nope. Go away.

Ty lol

I had a good laugh over lunch reading some of these student quiz answers.

"What's hard water? It's ice... my Mummy's a pole dance and heartless giraffes: Teachers reveal funniest exam answers EVER"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/a...dents.html

Quote from giggles1 : a friend of a friend recommended this thread group for a few laughs......are newcomers welcome?

Quote from Numeral : I had a good laugh over lunch reading some of these student quiz answers. "What's hard water? It's ice... my Mummy's a pole dance and heartless giraffes: Teachers reveal funniest exam answers EVER" http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/a...dents.html

LOL, that's hilarious!

Subj: Why husbands won't let their wives go to Home Depot alone...


Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.

"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back,

"No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't
send a woman to Home Depot.

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Random Questions That Have No Answers? Does anybody have any?
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If 2 deaf persons has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid
song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of acoconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. Under state law she can't touch it until she's 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It's true! In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer park.

A law recently changed in South Carolina and now states: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40!

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"

And to my Yankee friends when a redneck invites you for crawdads and Dixie , just hush, set, and enjoy!
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At an Irish wedding reception
someone yelled...

"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Subject: New Jersey



Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside
him.

The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"Hey what's the matter?" Jack asked.

"Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy
answered.

"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs,
race, riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life.
It is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind
your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there
and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a
living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."






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Subject: A ride in the woods.......




A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."



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Sixth Grade Research
=====================

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.


3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.


4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.


5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.


6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.


7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."


8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.


9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."


10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.


11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because
of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a
heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.


12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died
and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards
and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.


14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large.


16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.


17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.


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Subject: Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night

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Subj: FW: Shootin' Chickens



SHOOTIN' CHICKENS

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.


NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)


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SOMETHING FOR THE GRANDFATHERS OUT THERE
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy - just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa. It was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat, Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel-humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
HA HA
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Funeral Expenses?
Absolutely too funny not to pass on!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 . The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home . The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"





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You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the TWIST!”
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Subject: Fw: 1961 vs. 2011


This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1961: Long hair
2011: Longing for hair

1961: KEG
2011: EKG


1961: Acid rock
2011: Acid reflux


1961: Moving to California because it's cool
2011: Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1961: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2011: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1961: Seeds and stems
2011: Roughage


1961: Hoping for a BMW
2011: Hoping for a BM


1961: Going to a new, hip joint
2011: Receiving a new hip joint


1961: Rolling Stones
2011: Kidney Stones




1961: Passing the drivers' test
2011: Passing the vision test


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in1993.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been childproof and plastic.

The CD was introduced 3 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine..

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..

So have a nice day!!!!!
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
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Subj: The Arrogance of Authority




A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old
rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there....." as
he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish..... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do
you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and
saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's
big Santa Gertrudis bull.......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top
of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)



"Your badge, show him your f*****n BADGE........ ! !"

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Little Red Riding Hood was skipping thru the forest on her way to Grandma's house. While she was skipping along, she came across the Big Bad Wolf crouched behind a tree. She said, "Why, Mr. Wolf, what big eyes you have." The Big Bad Wolf jumped up and ran away into the woods. Continuing on her way, Little Red Riding Hood saw the Big Bad Wolf a few moments later hiding behind a bush. She said, "Why, Mr. Wolf, what big ears you have." The Big Bad Wolf jumped up and ran away into the woods again. About 5 minutes later, Little Red Riding Hood saw the Big Bad Wolf yet again. This time he was crouched behind a big rock. She said, "Why, Mr. Wolf, what big teeth you have!" This time the Big Bad Wolf stood up and yelled, "Look b**ch! Can I get some privacy? I'm trying to take a sh*t!"

A communist, a marxist, and an illegal immigrant walk in to a bar. The bar tender looks up....he smiles...and he says, "What can I get for you, Mr. President."

Quote from chewspam : A communist, a marxist, and an illegal immigrant walk in to a bar. The bar tender looks up....he smiles...and he says, "What can I get for you, Mr. President."

good example of how retarded and racist americans have become

Quote from daniel32 : good example of how retarded and racist americans have become

you use "become" like i use "ignorant bigot".......like it's a new term.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the Priest says, "I am sorry we dont allow Higgs Bosons in here."

The Higgs Boson replies indignantly, "Then how can you have a mass?"

Quote from veritableqndry : A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the Priest says, "I am sorry we dont allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replies indignantly, "Then how can you have a mass?"

My punctuation is still better. Plus, "Mass" should be capitalized