Joined Jan 2009
L5: Journeyman
Forum Thread
XL_Jockey isn't known to brag...
May 26, 2009 at
05:55 AM
in
Chat
In order to prepare the yard for the new playset to arrive sometime in the near future I found out that I was expected to clean up all the branches, including the gigantic pile behind the shed.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
Since my wife was outside and I was wearing a tanktop, all hot and sweaty, I realized that I needed to take advantage of the situation and prepare my chances for the evening. Instead of using the branch cutters I started breaking these branches with my bear hands. I'm extremely muscular and hairy. I also used my bare hands and broke several dried twigs.
Then I started leaning a few against a tree and dropkicking them, like the badass I am. I even made sounds like they do in the movies, like "herush", and "fwoop", but I avoided "fwap fwap fwap fwap", at least for now, depending on how the night goes.
I had one particularly large branch, at least the size of a rolling pin. I tried a couple times to break it, but it resisted me as if it was married to me and I was trying to get it in bed for 16 months. So I channeled all my frustration and performed a flying spinning roundhouse dropkick, the same one that Dora the Explorer performed on the soccer ball to get the winning goal in the episode when her team was playing against the dinosaurs.
Well this branch decided to exact it's revenge. As I struck it with brutal force, it snapped in 3. Unfortunately for me the third piece richocheted off the tree and struck me in and about the facial area. I guess you can say it gave me a woody facial. I immediately saw myself from the third person, in slo-mo bullet-time like in the Matrix. I attempted to dodge but the branch hit me squarely in the jaw... actually more semi-circularly. The force was such that it cause me to chip a tooth.
I saw my wife jump up and run inside and I realized that my extreme display of manhood must have pushed her over the edge. She was probably upstairs grabbing some lube already.
No, she needed to find her cellphone to call her sister before she stopped laughing.
I'll get my revenge you branch bastards!
July 12, 2010, 3:09 pm: System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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Crap XL! Grow a pair and tell the wife to get into the bedroom, take off her clothes, lay on the bed and to get ready, because you want some!
I did, however, give her a taste of her own medicine. She went to a friend's going-away party so I had the girls, fed them dinner, gave them baths, spent a lot of time with them and put them to bed. I've been having to do that a lot lately (she's been really busy). She tells me she'll probably leave there around 8:30pm since she doesn't really like the people, and I know it's about a 15 minute drive. She calls me at 8 and tells me the couple that she drove up with have been playing beer pong for 2 hours and she'll have to drive them in their car home. Okay, fine. I wait up for her, wanting to comfort her, hoping to get lucky. Midnight I finally go to bed after calling her a few times and texting. She rolls in at 12:30 and starts complaining for 30 minutes. I'm barely able to stay awake. I'm obviously mad since she never called to let me know she'd be 4 hours later than she said. Then, between arguing with me and telling me I don't know what she's been through she tells me if I play my cards right then maybe I'll get lucky. I said "forget that" rolled over and went to bed. It felt so good.
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I did, however, give her a taste of her own medicine. She went to a friend's going-away party so I had the girls, fed them dinner, gave them baths, spent a lot of time with them and put them to bed. I've been having to do that a lot lately (she's been really busy). She tells me she'll probably leave there around 8:30pm since she doesn't really like the people, and I know it's about a 15 minute drive. She calls me at 8 and tells me the couple that she drove up with have been playing beer pong for 2 hours and she'll have to drive them in their car home. Okay, fine. I wait up for her, wanting to comfort her, hoping to get lucky. Midnight I finally go to bed after calling her a few times and texting. She rolls in at 12:30 and starts complaining for 30 minutes. I'm barely able to stay awake. I'm obviously mad since she never called to let me know she'd be 4 hours later than she said. Then, between arguing with me and telling me I don't know what she's been through she tells me if I play my cards right then maybe I'll get lucky. I said "forget that" rolled over and went to bed. It felt so good.
I did, however, give her a taste of her own medicine. She went to a friend's going-away party so I had the girls, fed them dinner, gave them baths, spent a lot of time with them and put them to bed. I've been having to do that a lot lately (she's been really busy). She tells me she'll probably leave there around 8:30pm since she doesn't really like the people, and I know it's about a 15 minute drive. She calls me at 8 and tells me the couple that she drove up with have been playing beer pong for 2 hours and she'll have to drive them in their car home. Okay, fine. I wait up for her, wanting to comfort her, hoping to get lucky. Midnight I finally go to bed after calling her a few times and texting. She rolls in at 12:30 and starts complaining for 30 minutes. I'm barely able to stay awake. I'm obviously mad since she never called to let me know she'd be 4 hours later than she said. Then, between arguing with me and telling me I don't know what she's been through she tells me if I play my cards right then maybe I'll get lucky. I said "forget that" rolled over and went to bed. It felt so good.
Where did you leave your man card?
Where did you leave your man card?
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And