Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
1,240 Comments
Your comment cannot be blank.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from
me that if you eat it again the next day, both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
"thunder and lightning."
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that
always seems to hit at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which
would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part
of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into the isle.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn
in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her
head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me
feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made
a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-#$%@&', then quickly
left.
Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day
I went to shop at Safeway grocery store. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
going to have to repaint the store...
"This is our number one sport."
The woman looked at him, horrified, and said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go f**k yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free."
The teacher quickly explained, "What with your parents always wishing to exercise control over your behavior, it may seem to you that you are not free, but you truly are free."
The boy again said, "But I'm NOT free."
The teacher continued, "Yes, you really are free. Your parents just want you to grow to be a disciplined and well-behaved young man, so they work their hardest to instill in you the best values they possibly can."
The boy responded, "I'm not free. I'm four!"
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
One morning, after a full night's orgy, Thor noticed that the girl that garnered his almost complete attention the night before was also one of his servants.
However, Thor did not even know the girl's name, and as fetchingly beautiful as she looked this morning, Thor wanted to know who she was. So, Thor decided to introduce himself to the servant girl.
Thor: "Hi! I'm Thor!"
Girl: "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!!!"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
At a Computer in Your Office
Author Unknown
10. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
9. The keyboard is camouflage patterned.
8. There is a Dr. Pepper can in the CD-ROM drive.
7. The password is "bubba."
6. The six front keys have rotted out.
5. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
4. Outgoing faxes have cold drink stains on them.
3. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
2. The menus all have Dr. Pepper, and Royal Crown Cola options.
1. And the #1 way to tell if a Redneck works in your office: The monitor is up on blocks.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
Alleged actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."