Joined Aug 2003
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Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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~ Do they bother to sterilize needles for lethal injections?
~ I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
~ Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
~ Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just seem longer?
~ I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
~ If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
~ If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
~ After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
~ Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?
~ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
~ If it's called 'tourist season', then why can't we shoot them?
~ How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
~ Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?
~ If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
~ Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
~ Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
~ If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
~ Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
~ What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
~ What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
~ When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
~ Do fish get cramps after eating?
~ Why do scientists call it 're-search' when they are looking for something new?
~ If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
~ Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
~ Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
~ Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?
~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as '4s'?
~ Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
The stewardess stopped them and said, "Sorry, only one carrion per passenger."
I'm sure you're familiar with the Julie Andrews version of the song
"My Favorite Things," but the greater New Orleans area has many
"Favorite Things" too. "Warm woolen mittens" did not make the list,
however. Most are still around, yet some are just memories. Here are
some new lyrics for a song celebrating those many things held dear:
Sing to the rhythm of "My Favorite Things".
> Crawfish and crab boil and Creole tomatoes,
> Fat Harry's cheese-covered French fried potatoes,
> Lovin' the way that Fats Domino sings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Flames of the flambeaux, the satire of Momus,
> Beautiful tableaux, the mystery of Comus,
> Colorful coc'nuts from dark Zulu Kings,
> These have been truly spectacular things.
>
> When the termites
> Fly on May nights,
> It's not all that bad.
> I simply recall these New Orleans things
> And then I don't feel so sad.
>
> Debris on a Ferdi or shrimp from Manale's,
> Plantation homes with historic oak alleys,
> Driving to Popeye's for fried chicken wings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Andouille gumbo and rich jambalaya,
> Pronouncing Tchefuncta and Bogue Falaya,
> Galatoire's lunches on Fridays in Spring,
> Any of these is a wonderful thing.
>
> On the Westbank
> Garland 's Think Tank
> Sometimes gets me sad.
> I simply recall these New Orleans things
> And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> Sugary beignets with coffee and chicory,
> Trying to navigate Hickory and Dickory,
> A six-pack of Dixie with fried onion rings,
> Benny Grunch also has favorite things
>
> Tom Dempsey's kick when the Saints played the Lions,
> Sippin' a Hurricane at Old Pat O'Brien's,
> Bartholomew's "Monkey" or "My Ding-A-Ling",
> Oh what a hip yet hilarious thing!
>
> When my snowball
> Takes a free fall
> On the neutral ground,
> I conjure up some of these favorite things
> And pretty soon I know I'll rebound.
>
> Bacchus, Endymion, Orpheus, Muses,
> Lagniappe and grillades and riverboat cruises,
> Sazeracs served on some fabulous fling,
> It's off to Adler's in search of some bling.
>
> Breakfast at Brennan's and Mass on a Sunday,
> Red beans and rice with a Barq's on a Monday,
> A Morgus mistake and the chaos it brings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> There's Mandina's,
> Tipitina's,
> Big Chief writing pad!
> I simply remember these "Big Easy" things
> And then I don't feel so bad!
10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system.
9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do.
8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships.
7. Your parents will approve.
6. You can get help with your math homework.
5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode.
4. It looks good on a resume.
3. We do free body diagrams.
2. We have a high starting salary.
And the number one reason to date an engineer.....
1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
10. The world does revolve around us ... we pick the coordinate system.
9. You can discover what those other buttons on your calculator do.
8. We know how to handle "stress" and "strain" in relationships.
7. Your parents will approve.
6. You can get help with your math homework.
5. We can calculate head pressure, so we know when you're going to explode.
4. It looks good on a resume.
3. We do free body diagrams.
2. We have a high starting salary.
And the number one reason to date an engineer.....
1. You can enjoy a lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars!
when the wife asked her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the
road, she got out to see if it was still alive and it was.
She said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
The wife asks, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He said, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asked.
" Just hold its little nose."
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- One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. So they put a cot in the kitchen.
- If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
- Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it difficult to explain to my son who is 5 inches taller than I am why junk food is bad for you.
- I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use it when mother is around!
- I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold!
Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Make Breakfast for Daddy
One Sunday morning my son, Jasper, came into the kitchen to find me preparing a big breakfast for his mom.
He asked me, "Why are you making Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?"
"No, Jasper," I replied, "It's Mother's Day."
After giving a few moments thought to what I'd said, he responded:
"Oh," said Jasper, "then is every other day Father's Day?"
The Father's Day Card
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.
He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.
Later, when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud:
"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too..."
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
What kind of bees make milk?
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close
your
garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and
walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was
open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question
about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said,, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires
carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've
decided to give your wife $850 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times: "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
Have a nice day and remember: There is always someone out there with a job that is more of a pain in the behind than yours!
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Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.
Not Surprisingly, Some worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.
Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devi Sed A Method To Collect The Offerings.
The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.
This Is Done By The Chip Monks.
You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?