Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-Cindy Crawford
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-Tyra Banks
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-Cheryl Tiegs
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-Tatjana Patitz
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-Carol Alt
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista
ON THOUGHT
"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-Paulina Porizkova
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-Linda Evangelista
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably don't want to know what that smell is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning' a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man, "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, Ive been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot! gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Harry."
Harry was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back:... as a chicken."
Harry was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Harry the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Harry. "Well, just relax and let it happen."
Harry did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Harry was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Harry! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!"
MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
' I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer , my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop ... but at the bar... You know .. they have frozen glasses... '
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeds to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consectrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy-pulling at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling at St. Taffy's.
MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!
...
To hoom it Mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find th at I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
Hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:
Dear Bryan ,
It's OK, honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.
To hoom it Mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find th at I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
Hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Employer's response:
Dear Bryan ,
It's OK, honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.
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