Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high
with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-
baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a
crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven He is
also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
How dog's look at life and how cat's look at life:
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:00 am - Went to the vet. Bummer.
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with people! My favorite!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly
clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on
the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little
hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I
must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage..
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was
walking. I must try this
again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my
every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is
safe -- For now ...
I just saw this on a commercial and I thought I had to post it. I forget what the advertisement was.
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The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
The first nerd notices that his friend is riding a new bicycle, so he inquires about how he obtained it.
His friend replies, "Well, it's the strangest thing! Yesterday I was walking down this very path when all of a sudden, a beautiful woman came riding along on a bicycle. She got off the bike, took off all her clothes, stood there naked as the day she was born and said, 'help yourself!"
"Good choice," said the first nerd. "I don't think the clothes would have fit you!"
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:
"Hey Koala, what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiieeeett dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for ten dollars. A woman answered the ad, but she was slightly disbelieving.
''Ten bucks?!? What's the gimmick?'' she inquired.
''No gimmick,'' the man answered. ''My wife died, and in her will she asked that the car be sold and that all the money go to the mailman.
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rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking
around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the
tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
She got so mad and called the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but
static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."