Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted…
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop".
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted…
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I was talking to another female employee about my dd. I was a little upset at her that day and was trying to offload before I left work. I have another fellow male employee who doesn't have any kids. Jokingly I said to him, " David, don't you want kids?" David said to me. "Sure, lets go!".
I was mortified!
A sheriff orders your home removed from the middle of the road, and your slandered on the internet.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego
the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I
have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at
her father,"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow, until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
way."
I was talking to another female employee about my dd. I was a little upset at her that day and was trying to offload before I left work. I have another fellow male employee who doesn't have any kids. Jokingly I said to him, " David, don't you want kids?" David said to me. "Sure, lets go!".
I was mortified!
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego
the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I
have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Denver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at
her father,"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow, until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
way."
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side." The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try" The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed. The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river. The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet possy (darn SD censorship)!