Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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***
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"
***
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books.
"Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do,"
and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
***
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
***
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office -- and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote:
"I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
***
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
***
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE." The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
***
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."
geeez women...
One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.
So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend."What part did you get?"
*******
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
*******
I was standing in my back yard the other day wondering " Why does that football keep getting bigger and bigger?"
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Then it hit me.
******
Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgment.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes, Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your design:
1- There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want start talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmmn, you do raise some good points," replied God, "Let's have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.
After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
*******
A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"
The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -
"Well, one time I was lost ..."
******
There was a man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his appearance.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It had always been his dream to run his own business, so he decided that with all this money he had, he now had the means to start a business. After purchasing a small, but expanding computer firm, he realised that he had no business knowledge at all, and would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also answered, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Finally, he had the third interview. The third candidate was the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said,"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
by Andy Rooney
to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and She leave house. I follow.
He and She go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window.
He kiss She. She kiss He.
He strip She. She Strip He.
He play with She. She play with He.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No Fee,
Chen Lee.
***
Q. What did the Chinese parents name their retarted son?
A. Sum Ting Wong
***
Q. Why do they call it P.M.S.
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
***
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian,
"You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies".
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager
turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms
off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
***
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's
wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around !"
The Blonde reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. The blonde then starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, the blonde again frantically starts flipping the coin again.
The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explained the frantic coin-tossing blonde, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"
The girl responds "I was hoping you would pull out, but that will do".
***
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
***
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well,"
His mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow,
so for a week you are not getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
***
HER DIARY:
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that
he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY:
Cowboys lost. Gutted. Got a shag though!
***
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could - now we just have to wait for 9 months to find out if it is a girl!"
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A. You can negotiate with terrorists
***
My husband got me a mood ring and we both agree that it works well. When I am in a good mood it is a nice bright green.
When I am in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
***
How do to turn a dish washer into a snow-blower?
Buy her a snow-blower.
***
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
***
A man is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
Honey, Could you please fix the light in the hallway, its been flickering for weeks now.
The husband looks at her and says, Fix the lights NOW!? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?
OK, she says, Then, Could you fix the door on the refrigerator? It wont close right.
Fix the refrigerator door? Do I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
OK, she says, Then, You can at least fix the steps, they are very squeaky and simply need a few nails to tighten them down.
Im NOT a carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps! Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead!?
Frustrated with his wife the man goes to the bar for a couple of hours, but he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house he notices that the steps dont squeak, the hall light is no longer flickering and when he grabs a beer he notices the refrigerator door is not ajar.
Feeling really guilty now, he goes to his wife and apologizes, Honey, Im sorry I acted like a jerk, but How did you get all these things fixed?
Well, when you left, I was so upset I sat on the porch and cried. While I was on the porch crying a young man walked by and asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all of the fix-ups for me. He only asked that I go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
So, What kind of cake did you bake?, the husband asked.
She replied, HELLOOOOODo you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead!?
HER DIARY:
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that
he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY:
Cowboys lost. Gutted. Got a shag though!
***
soo
true!
From a county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true
story .
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin,Texas . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a fe w more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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