Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they
had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
***
Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.
God: What's the problem, Eve?
Eve: Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy.
God: Why is that?
Eve: I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples
God: Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.
Eve: What's a man, God?
God: This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time.
But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused,
but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly.
Eve: Sounds great. What's the catch?
God: Well... you can have him on one condition.
Eve: What's that, God?
God: As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman
***
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe
that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and
that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."
#2 ghey ghey
#3 ghey ghey ghey
out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one
time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
***
Lim Ah Toy, a Chinese student, was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10,
he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and want to 5 with me.
I run until I feel 6 and throw up. I go to 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away.
So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1."
***
Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.
"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman. "When my son enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh, Your Highness'"
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"
The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short, weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room, people look at him and say, 'Oh My God !'"
The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared... so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
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Maybe Zoe needs to keep this in mind
She shared some really good recipes
and
Yes
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals!
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a
large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then
the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me. The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said
he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so
much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab----------I've been driving a
hearse for a cemetery over the last 25 years.
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
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After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."