Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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WE ARE IN DEEP SHIT.......................
assembly required...
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She asked, Whats on TV?
I said, Dust.
And then the fight started
******************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex?
No, she answered.
I then said, Is that your final answer?
She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes.
So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend.
And then the fight started.
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wifes back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.
My loving wife of 10 years replied, Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?
And thats how the fight started
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldnt believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, I AM NOT HAPPY!!!
So, I looked down at him and said, Well, then which one are you?
And then the fight started..
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my drivers license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, Unbutton your shirt. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And then the fight started.
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, Do you know her?
Yes, I sighed, Shes my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasnt been sober since.
My God! says my wife, who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
And then the fight started
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
Ill have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself.
And then the fight started
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, Your eyesights damn near perfect.
And then the fight started
busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made
the jiggle even that more apparent.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably
- especially the men. The very proper church ladies were
appalled. They said something had to be done about this or
they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her
breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her
to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they
are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the
pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol
we will not hath a Thermon tewday."
Bernie Madoff's brother was just picked up by the cops. He is accused of selling small packets of Cheerios cereal as bagel seeds
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Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."