Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
1,240 Comments
Your comment cannot be blank.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!"
His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why they'd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten.
Deciding that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: "6, 7, 8..."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"
********************************************
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it, '
she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on,'
he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good
explanation.'
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?"
'Your horse called.'
1. Teaching Math In 1950s?
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ??
2. Teaching Math In 1960s?
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit??
3. Teaching Math In 1970s?
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit??
4. Teaching Math In 1980s?
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.?
5. Teaching Math In 1990s?
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )?
6. Teaching Math In 2009?
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho..
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
Age 25
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. Witty
5. Caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things in life
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Imaginative, romantic lover
Age 35
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. seeks romance at least once a week
Age 45
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady—splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to help rearrange furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most week-ends
Age 55
1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or fart in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on week-ends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some week-ends
Age 65
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require too much money for upkeep
4. Only snores slightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he is laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Likes soft foods
8. Usually wears some clothes
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
Age 75
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
"Mr. Medvedev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Medvedev. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to hold us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Obama.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Medvedev.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Medvedev.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Medvedev hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
So Obabma hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!"
"Mr. Medvedev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Medvedev. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to hold us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Obama.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Medvedev.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Medvedev.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Medvedev hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
So Obabma hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!"
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in New York City and another in Washington, DC.."
the guy is a little embarassed at first, but eventually starts to get comfortable with it and after a little while he decides to head over to the bar on the beach for a drink after he places his order, he happens to catch a local standing nearby, nake of course and he happens to see a WY tattooed on that guys penis too so feeling really confident he gets his drink and walks over to the dude and says "hey, i notice you got WY tattooed on your stuff there... is your wife named Wendy too?"
the local says, "Noo, noo, mon. It say, "Welcome to Jamaica and Have a Nice Day"
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his farking widow."
****************************************************************
So a mother and her twelve year old board a Southwest Airlines plane, and he looks out the window and asks.
"Mom, if big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, what do big planes have?"
Mom says, "You'll have to ask the stewerdess."
So the kid goes up to ask her, "if big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, what do big planes have?"
The stewerdess replies, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?" The kid says yes.
The stewerdess says, "Tell her we are Southwest, and we always pull out on time, and ask her to explain it to you."
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
pilot.dammit.pilot