Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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A guy ask to borrow $50 from his jewish friend. He responds "$40 dollars? What do you need $30 dollars for. I dont have $20 dollars"
Funniest commercial in a long time.
They pass an old farmhouse, and see a dog licking himself on the font porch,
1st guy says:" Gee wish I could do that!"
2nd guy says:" Don'tcha think you should pet him first?"
Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
They pass an old farmhouse, and see a dog licking himself on the font porch,
1st guy says:" Gee wish I could do that!"
2nd guy says:" Don'tcha think you should pet him first?"
2nd guy says: "He'll biiite you!"
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assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel -
>> I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
2. Dictate -
>> My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb -
>> I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4 Foreclose -
>> If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum -
>> I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment -
>> My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna
send me back to the joint.
7. Penis -
>> I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel -
>> Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
9. Undermine -
>> There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic -
>> When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq -
>>When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain -
>>My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify -
>>I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify."
14. Income -
>>I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
> Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
> Let us use it in a sentence.
>>"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
*****************************************************************************************************************
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the
chores are done. Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:
"Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit.. It means someone stole the tent.'
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now....
Men are still busy checking their thumbs..