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Forum Thread

How long should you be in a relationship before popping the ?

4,199 164 October 22, 2010 at 07:16 AM in Chat
Other thread about how did you meet and how did they propose made me think of this since I saw a varying of lengths that people were together before the ? came...

What are peoples opinions?

Edit: Thanks brisar for updating the spelling
Well how long do you think?
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 09:58 AM.
10-22-2010 at 09:58 AM.
Quote from ForeverDcember :
If you don't know within a year that someone is right for you then you won't ever know IMO.
Iagree And if after the year you still have unanswered questions then I question how seriously you're dating. If there's something you don't know about them after a year perhaps it's becasue you're not asking or looking very hard.
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Titansfan1234
10-22-2010 at 09:59 AM.
10-22-2010 at 09:59 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
Just because my previous marriage didn't work (although it did adhere to my policy) I don't think it had anything to do with "the one year".

He worked midnights (4pm to 4am) while we dated and were engaged (nearly 2 years total). He switched to day shift about the time we got married and then it was easy to see that he had an alcohol problem. I went to work at 4pm and he went right from work to the bar and would drink until 10. Then he'd go home and get in bed and I was none the wiser until the credit card bill came ($1500 of bar tab anyone?). This went on for a few months and I confronted him about it and told him it was not acceptable. He told me he didn't see a problem and he wasn't going to change. So I got a divorce.

In the five year relationship we talked about getting married a lot but my timeframe always got closer and his was always further away. He and I are still friends and have discussed this at length. He said he never really wanted to get married but didn't want to lose me. Interestingly enough he's now almost 40 and has never been married. I'm no psychologist but I'd say there are some commitment issues afoot there.


So your policy cost you not once, but twice?


From where I sit you lost someone who didn't want to get married but wanted to be with you, and you also had to go through a divorce because you were in a rush to get married. If you would have taken your time dating this guy, it seems you would have figured out he was an alcoholic eventually...


The 1 year or bust policy seems to do a lot more harm than good.
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 10:00 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:00 AM.
Quote from veritableqndry :
Whee I'm getting internet married!
High quality interwebs no less. Whee
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Maleficent
10-22-2010 at 10:03 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:03 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
If there's something you don't know about them after a year perhaps it's becasue you're not asking or looking very hard.
Ummm, didn't you just say you didn't know your ex-husband was an alcoholic until after you got married, which was about a year later, right? Scratchhead
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 10:04 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:04 AM.
Quote from Titansfan1234 :
So your policy cost you not once, but twice?


From where I sit you lost someone who didn't want to get married but wanted to be with you, and you also had to go through a divorce because you were in a rush to get married. If you would have taken your time dating this guy, it seems you would have figured out he was an alcoholic eventually...


The 1 year or bust policy seems to do a lot more harm than good.
I would not have necessarily known he was a drunk if we had continued to date. We didn't live together before we got married and he would have dealt with his own credit card bill. He could have continued to hide it from me.

And I think not having the one year rule worked against me in the 5 year relationship. I kept waiting and wasted five years of my youth. He was the reason for starting the rule.
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Titansfan1234
10-22-2010 at 10:11 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:11 AM.
Quote from Maleficent :
Ummm, didn't you just say you didn't know your ex-husband was an alcoholic until after you got married, which was about a year later, right? Scratchhead
Oh my lord is Mal about to agree with me? I can feel it!
Quote from redjen910 :
I would not have necessarily known he was a drunk if we had continued to date. We didn't live together before we got married and he would have dealt with his own credit card bill. He could have continued to hide it from me.

And I think not having the one year rule worked against me in the 5 year relationship. I kept waiting and wasted five years of my youth. He was the reason for starting the rule.
Well clearly dating someone for a year and marrying them does not always work out well... so again what is the rush? The fact that he proposed to you because he knew after a year the gig was up shows that your rule is working against you. Oh well, to each their own. It is just clear you can hide things from someone for a year or a few years, so why rush attaching yourself to that person for life? Yes you are 38, but blowing off every guy who won't propose in a year means you risk being with idiots or very lonely. Most of us guys aren't jonesing to get married, even to the "one". I can't imagine wanting to date a girl who tells me after a year my time is up unless she has a ring...
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 10:17 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:17 AM.
Quote from Titansfan1234 :
Oh my lord is Mal about to agree with me? I can feel it!


Well clearly dating someone for a year and marrying them does not always work out well... so again what is the rush? The fact that he proposed to you because he knew after a year the gig was up shows that your rule is working against you. Oh well, to each their own. It is just clear you can hide things from someone for a year or a few years, so why rush attaching yourself to that person for life? Yes you are 38, but blowing off every guy who won't propose in a year means you risk being with idiots or very lonely. Most of us guys aren't jonesing to get married, even to the "one". I can't imagine wanting to date a girl who tells me after a year my time is up unless she has a ring...
And you're how old? Most guys I date who are between 35 and 45 are telling me that they are ready to get married if they were to meet the right woman. When I was younger (and dated younger guys) this was definitely not the case. Also I think as you near 40 you are either looking for marriage or have decided that marriage is not for you. Remember people in this range have approxiamately 20 year of dating under their belts in most cases.
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Titansfan1234
10-22-2010 at 10:18 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:18 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
And you're how old? Most guys I date who are between 35 and 45 are telling me that they are ready to get married if they were to meet the right woman. When I was younger (and dated younger guys) this was definitely not the case. Also I think as you near 40 you are either looking for marriage or have decided that marriage is not for you. Remember people in this range have approxiamately 20 year of dating under their belts in most cases.
22, guess the age makes a good deal of difference. But you have had that rule in place since you were close to my age... maybe it just isn't working for you...
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 10:23 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:23 AM.
Quote from Titansfan1234 :
22, guess the age makes a good deal of difference. But you have had that rule in place since you were close to my age... maybe it just isn't working for you...
The rule was "invented" when I was 25, close to 26. I had spent 19-24 with the 5 year guy and had dated another man for a year. He proposed at nearly one year exactly. I declined because I was not ready. But it dawned on me that he was serious and then the rule came.

Ask people you know who are at least 30 and who are married/engaged. 85% of them became engaged at or near the one year mark I'd bet. You'll need to exclude anyone who started dating in high school because obviously they're too young but for the most part any couple I know who is married falls into the one year realm.
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Maleficent
10-22-2010 at 10:24 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:24 AM.
Quote from Titansfan1234 :
Oh my lord is Mal about to agree with me? I can feel it!
Yeah, I basically agree with the post before this one. laugh out loud



I think that thinking you could really know someone after just a year is... just grossly underestimating the complexity of what it is to be human. People are so incredibly intricate, not to mention they're constantly changing. A lot of the time, people have a hard time figuring out what they want or who they are or what they're looking for. And even when they think they know, they may really not.

Maybe some people would feel ready to make that kind of a commitment after a year, but a lot wouldn't.
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dalokgawd
10-22-2010 at 10:25 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:25 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
The rule was "invented" when I was 25, close to 26. I had spent 19-24 with the 5 year guy and had dated another man for a year. He proposed at nearly one year exactly. I declined because I was not ready. But it dawned on me that he was serious and then the rule came.

Ask people you know who are at least 30 and who are married/engaged. 85% of them became engaged at or near the one year mark I'd bet. You'll need to exclude anyone who started dating in high school because obviously they're too young but for the most part any couple I know who is married falls into the one year realm.
My wife and I started dating when I was 25 and she was 21. We dated for about 2 years and lived together for about 6 months before I popped the question.
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Titansfan1234
10-22-2010 at 10:29 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:29 AM.
I guess at this point my only motive in marriage is to spend the rest of my life with that person, and know going into the marriage that there is a very slim chance they are lying about who they are to me. I suppose if I was in a rush for a family, or some other reason I would want to get married in a hurry. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and I don't plan on getting down on one knee and proposing more than once.

Gotta make it count.
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veritablequandary
10-22-2010 at 10:37 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:37 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
High quality interwebs no less. Whee
Nothing but the best for my blushing interweb bride!

Scratchchin I wanted that to read "interwebride" but then that sounded like I was calling you a ride which, to the best of my knowledge, you are not.

You're not an amusement park attraction or a vehicle of some sort, are you?

I'd totally marry a hot Transformer babe
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redjen910
10-22-2010 at 10:42 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:42 AM.
Quote from veritableqndry :
Nothing but the best for my blushing interweb bride!

Scratchchin I wanted that to read "interwebride" but then that sounded like I was calling you a ride which, to the best of my knowledge, you are not.

You're not an amusement park attraction or a vehicle of some sort, are you?

I'd totally marry a hot Transformer babe
No, no VIN or serial number. And while I may be amusing and you do need to be at least 60 inches tall; not an amusement park attraction.

And wouldn't interwebbride have 2 "D"s?? I think interwebride was some sort of Fruedian slip.
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veritablequandary
10-22-2010 at 10:45 AM.
10-22-2010 at 10:45 AM.
Quote from redjen910 :
No, no VIN or serial number. And while I may be amusing and you do need to be at least 60 inches tall; not an amusement park attraction.

And wouldn't interwebbride have 2 "D"s?? I think interwebride was some sort of Fruedian slip.
DD is a little too big for my tastes, actually. More than a mouthful Shutup

also I dunno where the 2nd D would go
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