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OMG! The Bible has some raunchy stories in it man!
April 20, 2009 at
07:01 PM
in
Humor
So I'm resting and relaxing today... Come home, take a relaxing shower (not a great day today) and decided to have the house nice and quiet and just read the Bible today...
So I just start out with Genesis - I figure, hey, its been a while since I made a quest to read the Bible front to back, so why not now.
I get to Genesis 19: 4-8 and holy crap... there is some taboo stuff in there I had completely forgotten about.
Gen 19: 4-8
(They were talking about the men in Sodom wanting to have sex with the very angels that came there to see if they were going to destroy Sodom).
edit: btw, this is NOT a gay bashing thread or meant to offend or ridicule gay people. I just thought the above was "taboo" - or at least taboo for me...
And then a little bit later...
Gen. 19: 31-38
I completely dont remember reading anything like this when I read through Genesis. Holy carp! The Bible is truly an interesting read at some points.
So I just start out with Genesis - I figure, hey, its been a while since I made a quest to read the Bible front to back, so why not now.
I get to Genesis 19: 4-8 and holy crap... there is some taboo stuff in there I had completely forgotten about.
Gen 19: 4-8
|
Quote
:
Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodomboth young and oldsurrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." 6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him 7 and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof." |
(They were talking about the men in Sodom wanting to have sex with the very angels that came there to see if they were going to destroy Sodom).edit: btw, this is NOT a gay bashing thread or meant to offend or ridicule gay people. I just thought the above was "taboo" - or at least taboo for me...
And then a little bit later...
Gen. 19: 31-38
|
Quote
:
One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. 32 Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father." 33 That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. 34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." 35 So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. 36 So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father. 37 The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today. 38 The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi; he is the father of the Ammonites of today. |
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Last Edited by Ram|bunc|tious
April 24, 2009
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I'm so confused right now
Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.
So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger.
Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"
"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.
So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.
"Must be those damn holes in your feet," Moses responded.
My secretary writes what I tell her to write but it wasn't written by her.
That's what everybody says about their own religion...."My religion is the only true religion"
I'm sure the Egyptians believed in their God's and Pharaohs just as much as you, as well as the Greeks, Mayans, Romans, etc...etc....
The bible says that men used to live to be 800 and 900 years old....Do you have a shred of proof that is true?.....Noah lived to be 950 years old according to the bible....Where's his grave?...Surely the righthand man of god must be buried in a prominent place, especially a man that lived to be 950 years old....
That's what everybody says about their own religion...."My religion is the only true religion"
I'm sure the Egyptians believed in their God's and Pharaohs just as much as you, as well as the Greeks, Mayans, Romans, etc...etc....
The bible says that men used to live to be 800 and 900 years old....Do you have a shred of proof that is true?.....Noah lived to be 950 years old according to the bible....Where's his grave?...Surely the righthand man of god must be buried in a prominent place, especially a man that lived to be 950 years old....
Hearing this news, the three Japanese men are distraught. Their whole lives they have lived as good, loving, honest men. They have always given to charity, and never broken a single law. Explaining this to St. Peter, St. Peter starts to feel bad about sending them to hell. So St. Peter says to them, "Hold on a second, let me look in the BIG manual, and see if there is some way I can work the system and get you guys in."
After several minutes of browsing the big dusty book, St. Peter puts the book down, smiling, "I have found a way to sneak you into heaven. All I have to do is ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven. Granted you won't be living with the Southern Baptists or anything, you will be living in the projects, but the important thing is you will be inside the gates."
Excited about not going to Hell, the three Japanese men agree to the test.
Calling over the first Japanese man, St. Peter says to him, "Okay, here is your question. It's an easy question, you should have no problem answering it, and you will be able to go right into heaven. Here is your question. What is Easter?"
The first Japanese man, looking slightly confused, in a heavy accent replies, "Ahhh... Easter... Easter is American holiday. Fat man in red suit comes down chimney, give toys to all boys and girls... everyone happy!"
Looking annoyed at the man, St. Peter pulls a lever opening a trap door and the first Japanese man falls down to Hell.
Calling over the second Japanese man, who looks a bit nervous having seen his friend fall down to Hell. "Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question I asked your friend. It's not a hard question, but your friend was an idiot. Here is your question. What is Easter?"
Stroking his chin for a few seconds, and thinking about the question, he slowly responds in a thick accent, "Easter is American holiday... family get together eat turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, everyone fat and happy."
Looking annoyed at the man, St. Peter pulls a lever opening a trap door and the second Japanese man falls down to Hell.
St. Peter then calls the third Japanese man over, who is just about to pee in his pants from fear of going to Hell. "All you have to do is answer this ONE simple question, and you can go into Heaven. What is Easter."
Hearing the question, the third Japanese gets a huge, confident smile on his face, and in a thick accent he replies, "Ahh... Easter celebrate Jesus Christ die on cross."
"Yes... go on." Says St. Peter.
"They take him down from cross, and put Jesus in big cave.... cover cave with big rock."
"That's right... go on!" Says St. Peter, excitedly.
"Jesus there for three days"
"Go on!"
"After three days, Jesus stand up, move big rock to the side, come out, and look for shadow!"
That's what everybody says about their own religion...."My religion is the only true religion"
I'm sure the Egyptians believed in their God's and Pharaohs just as much as you, as well as the Greeks, Mayans, Romans, etc...etc....
The bible says that men used to live to be 800 and 900 years old....Do you have a shred of proof that is true?.....Noah lived to be 950 years old according to the bible....Where's his grave?...Surely the righthand man of god must be buried in a prominent place, especially a man that lived to be 950 years old....
I know that my god is the TRUE god. It's written so in my book of god. He created everything and smites people who don't believe him. he's also a very generous god.
You can't prove that he doesn't exist
I'm still waiting on your answer about Noah's grave....How is it that this incredibly important man who built the ark so god could drown everyone has no grave....Surely a guy that lived 350 years after the bible flood was buried with honors....
Do you have even one shred of evidence that men used to live to be 800 years old?
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I'm still waiting on your answer about Noah's grave....How is it that this incredibly important man who built the ark so god could drown everyone has no grave....Surely a guy that lived 350 years after the bible flood was buried with honors....
Do you have even one shred of evidence that men used to live to be 800 years old?
I know that my god is the TRUE god. It's written so in my book of god. He created everything and smites people who don't believe him. he's also a very generous god.
You can't prove that he doesn't exist
"........he smites people who don't believe him, he's also a very generous god..."
Yeah, he sounds really swell...."If you don't believe in me I'll kill you!!"
Baloney......it's nothing more than the way that people were controlled back in those times...through fear.
It works for all. Just because you (or anyone) think that you 'know' something does not automatically make it the gospel.
Yeah, he sounds really swell...."If you don't believe in me I'll kill you!!"
Baloney......it's nothing more than the way that people were controlled back in those times...through fear.
Once again....do you have ANY proof that people once lived to be 800 and 900 years old?
It works for all. Just because you (or anyone) think that you 'know' something does not automatically make it the gospel.
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That's what everybody says about their own religion...."My religion is the only true religion"
I'm sure the Egyptians believed in their God's and Pharaohs just as much as you, as well as the Greeks, Mayans, Romans, etc...etc....
The bible says that men used to live to be 800 and 900 years old....Do you have a shred of proof that is true?.....Noah lived to be 950 years old according to the bible....Where's his grave?...Surely the righthand man of god must be buried in a prominent place, especially a man that lived to be 950 years old....
Good question. The tomb was open, the grave was empty and the body was resurrected.
The right hand of God is Jesus Christ.
As for all religions claiming this or that........ only ONE claimed to save anyone. Not Allah, not Buddah, not anyone but Jesus Christ.
But in the end, like I said....... the CHOICE is yours what to believe and what to not believe.
Jesus said he is the only way to the Father. You do not get into heaven by good works.
If you deny Him, he will deny you to the Father.
Your choice. Take your chances on where you end up in eternity.
In the last days, there will be lots of scoffers......... just as in the day of Noah. Think about Noah, toting his umbrella, when there wasn't a cloud in the sky...... The day will come when you KNOW u HAD the chance and chose wrong and it lasts for eternity.
God gave you a brain and if you choose to not believe in Him, then he'll honor your choice.
Totally up to YOU.