Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
1,240 Comments
Your comment cannot be blank.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it):
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don'tforget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose
with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees...Ees...Ees ...Eees a Ham Bush.
Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it):
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
A (behind spoiler - highlight to see it):
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
> again.
> She put an ad in the local paper that read:
> 'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT
> ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
> ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'
>
> On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
> opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
> wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
> The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you,
> are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
> The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
> She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
> Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
> She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in
> bed???'
> The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the
> doorbell, didn't I?'
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
There are some interesting things you can learn about the behavior of computer in movies (and in television). Here's a list of some of the more curious observations about movie computers:
* Word processors never display a cursor, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
* You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display 2-inch high letters.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
* Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* Any PERMISSION DENIED has an override function.
* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
* If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
* If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
* Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
* Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
* Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
----------------------------------------------
Time Traveler Software E-mail
Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveler 1.0, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveler, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back ?"
A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives."
TimeTraveler 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows 2010.
But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveler on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the time travel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930's Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy." the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels."
In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveler 1.02 from the release notes:
CHECK THE TIME
When installing TimeTraveler, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from "Taxi" or even worse, like Bill and Hillary.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH
TimeTraveler uses Billzebub, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing TimeTraveler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.
MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD
When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.
DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS
A popular destination for many time travelers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretch pants."
BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS
Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to "say cheese" may result in a broadsword to the head.
CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF
Archaeologists will resent digging up the flashlight you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.
DO NOT USE TimeTraveler TO CHANGE HISTORY
Even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveler to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveler license agreement, and Microsoft will reveal your location to Satan.
A badly deformed leper goes to a bar. The bartender gets visibly flustered but maintains his composure and serves him drinks. After a while, he can't take it anymore and pukes all over the leper. The leper feels hurt and says "I understand that you didn't like me coming in here but that was really uncalled for".
The bartender replies, "I am so sorry! See it's not you. The guy sitting behind you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck man"
----------------------------------------------------------
Edit: To complement the above one let me also repost this one
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says:
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I
shagged on the poker table in front of all my buddies while your partner
whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "But I am your son's English teacher...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One ". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.6 5". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said,
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed the weed.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
What's the purpose of snails for a dinner party though?