Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Sera, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better in bed than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Sera, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'Alright how much do you want?'
"My Mom thinks that flowers are beautiful." "Why is that," she asked?
"Because she says they smell really nice." The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks antique cars are beautiful."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their original form." Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks pregnant women are."
"Why is that," she asked? "Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just farking beautiful!'"
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine and dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.He moved the vehicle forward a few centimeters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!" she exclaimed.
The woman gets slightly perturbed by this sudden awkwardness, but her intelligent mind feels intrigued by the drunk man's observation power, especially how he was able to say that from her particular choice of grocery - which obviously was the only noticeable thing about a random woman waiting at a checkout line.
She asks politely, "Wow! How did you find that out sir?"
"Cuz you're fark ugly", says the man
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Poker face
Hey Bubba, last night I bought them beers and drank Obama self
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House
The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal in track and field events at the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House
- I think I lost an electron
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm positive.
2. A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell in love with a bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the sodium.The bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
3. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No,but I know where I am".
4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: " How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says: "For you, it's no charge".
5. Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
- Because it was polar.
6. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
- A one molar solution.
7. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
- Because it's in the ground state.
8. What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium
9. Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
- They're cheaper than day rates.
10. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
- They get Bohr'd.
11. What did one titration tell the other?
- Let's meet at the endpoint.
12. Why are chemists great for solving problems?
- They have all the solutions.
13. Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
- Because it's basic stuff.
14. What is a cat-ion afraid of?
- A dogion.
15. Why did the ice cube get divorced?
- His wife said he was too ! cold.
16. Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
- They bonded well from the minute they met.
17. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
- Methylated spirits.
18. If H20 is water what is H204?
-Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
19. A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guests joules. A tall,strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.The guests were very grateful to this man, and they
wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
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He gave her a ring
What shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
What did the big watch hand say to the little watch hand?
"Don't go away, I'll be back in an hour."
Why do people work as bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
Why did the kid put his clock in the oven.
He wanted to have a hot time.
When is the moon not hungry?
When it is full!
How do you make gold soup?
Add 14 carrots!
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
When did the fly fly?
When the spider spied her.
"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
"Golfing with friends, my dear."
"What? At 2 a.m.?!"
"Yes, We used night clubs."