Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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this is spot on!
Following the State of the Union speech, here's how to keep all that political 'news' in perspective...
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
8. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
9. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is read by people who want only the score of the Cardinals game. They drink Budweiser, Budweiser, and wait a minute -- what was the question?
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Palm Beach Post is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved and he yelled back that Barrack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
TSA Screening Results
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
TSA Screening Results
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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A little old Irishman gets pulled over by a policeman, who says,
"Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The old fella replied, "Oh, thank Christ. I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So, he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He's driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear view mirror.
"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.
A few minutes later, he's overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing," he thinks? And he slows down and pulls over.
The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver's door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a split second and says…
"My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."
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A policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?"
The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
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Q: What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?
A: a BIG car that doesn't start.
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Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
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A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!"
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Crusty's young nephew, Cranky, applied for a position as mechanic at Click & Clack's garage. It just so happened that a young woman had walked in that day also looking for a job. There was really only one position to be filled, and since both applicants seemed to have the same qualifications, Ray asked them both to take a written test.
Upon completion of the test, both only missed one of the questions. Ray went to Cranky and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the young lady."
Cranky asked, "Why? We both got nine questions correct. Since my uncle Crusty works here, I should get the job!"
Ray said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Cranky then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Ray replied, "Simple, the young woman put down for question #4, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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Anne meets up with Dana while she is picking up her car from the mechanic.
Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
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The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap.
We all looked at each other and one of the service guys asked, "What's a seven ten cap?" She replied, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of car do you drive?" another guy asked. (Thinking that perhaps she drove an old Datsun Seven Ten.) The lady replied, "I drive a Buick." We asked her how big is the cap. She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" asked one of the service guys. She replied, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
One of the guys gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she made a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote 710.
As she was drawing, the guys behind the counter looked at it upside down and they fell behind the counter laughing their heads off.
(Directions: Draw a circle and write 710 in the center. Now look at it upside down.) Dope slap!
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An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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Did you hear about the guy who went into an auto parts store and said to the clerk, "Can I get a new gas cap for a Yugo?"
The clerk thought for a second and said, "That seems like a fair trade."
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right… but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers softly, "Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror."
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... "
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Yesterday my dear wife received a letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Clifton:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot condone this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the restrooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. Twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through cried, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the associates passed out.
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Two young children are perched on top of a house during a flood. As they sit watching articles float by in the water, they noticed a large old hat go past.
Suddenly, the hat turns and comes back upstream. Then it turns around again and heads downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
The children watched as it did this a number of times.
"Do you see that hat? First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back down- stream and then it comes back again."
"Oh, it's only my Dad. This morning my Mom said, "You have to mow the lawn today come hell or high water."
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think so.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."
A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto
the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead
creatures, all lying on their backs.
As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the
blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This
one's barefoot too!"
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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HERE'S THE REASON WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!
Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles' so the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID...THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU...THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET!