Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it
protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the
young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects
the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning
our feet in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Ft. Lee, New Jersey, and still wearing all this
shit?"
HERE'S THE REASON WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!
Bubba had shingles. .................
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
Thousand Oaks, California has been renamed as 900 Oaks.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
True Love.....
The Man's Wife
This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.
There were two sheriffs there. He asked them "Is there a problem." One of
the
sheriffs asked if he was married and the man says "yes." The sheriff asks
if he
could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been
hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's a
good cook too."
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'YES.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The Best Smart Ass Answers�
��
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was meal time during an airline flight..�
'Would you like dinner?',�the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..�
'What are my choices?' John asked.�
'Yes or no,' she replied.�
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.�
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'�
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'�
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'�
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.�
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'�
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.�
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.�
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'�
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'�
SMART ASS�ANSWER�OF THE YEAR��
�
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'�
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'�
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'�
A BONUS�EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'�
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.�
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.
It will be named the "Politician".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
No, I have nothing against Rugers.
While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom at all.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders
some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says:
'I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We
know very little about it'.
The man looks a little perplexed and says:
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'.
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, the re's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'
What, cut your dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.
'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!
'You save money..'
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The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and the other hand pulling a male buffalo. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
IN NOVEMBER 2012, VOTE 'EM ALL OUT OF OFFICE!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
LOST KID IN STORE
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket..
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?'
The kid says "How the f*ck should I know?"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I REST MY CASE !!
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for groups of animals... There is a Pride of lions; a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens); a School of fish; an Exaltation of doves and; presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider the baboon. The loudest, most dangerous and viciously aggressive of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? - a Congress. So, next time you hear the news out of Washington DC...
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A little humor for a mass murderer.
"The death of Osama bin Laden last Sunday has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda has released a statement vowing to make America pay for bin Laden's death. Which - I'm pretty sure we did pay for his death. We paid for the whole thing and even took care of the funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman
"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson
"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno
"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman
"Bin Laden's wives didn't have it too bad.........by looking at the pictures of the inside of the compound, it doesn't look like any of them EVER had to do housework".
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best! Football FINALLY makes sense...........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Subject: Right/Left, and a Spelling Lesson
I often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left".
Check out this verse in the Bible:
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.
Can't get any simpler than that
Spelling lesson
The last four letters in American......I can
The last four letters in Republican.....I can
The last four letters in Democrats......rats
End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012.
Remember, November 2012 is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
BREAKING NEWS!
President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.
Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> Subject: Best lay-off letter
>
>
>
> Little wonder why this gal is boss. She is sharp!
> You can't be any fairer than this leader...
>
> Dear Employees:
> As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
> So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
> I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
>
>
>
> Thank you kindly,
>
> Anna V. Donnen
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Subj: Is anything still made in the USA?
John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
( made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't
find a good paying job
in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT
MADE IN KENYA
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
.Subj: debt ceiling
I LIKE THIS LOGIC!
If you can answer this correctly, you can answer the question on what action to take on raising the Federal debt ceiling.
You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup and you have sewage up to your ceilings.
What do you do??
Raise the ceiling, or pump out the shit?
In God We Trust
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"LEROY"
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'
In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL
named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Best cowboy pick up line ever...
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it...'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Subj: OBAMA AT THE BANK
Positive ID
So president Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A mother goes into her son's room and cannot believe his bed in neatly made. She then notices an envelope propped up on the pillows addressed to Mom.
Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS.
Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
I got my report card and it is in the top drawer.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America .
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... Our job is to arrange the meeting."
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Subject: Home Remedies
THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied .......12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable lazy bastards; the entire cast of the Jerry Springer Show; 2 million people in over 243 prisons; 300,000 leftovers from Katrina; half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.
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GREAT BAR ROOM SIGNS...
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her crap.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
0 A
It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? ?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too good for him...
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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*** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life!!!
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An Illegal Alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.
The bartender asks …;
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"
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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence; one from Chicago, another from Dallas, and the third from Fort Lauderdale. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Fort Lauderdale contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then gets out his calculator, punches in some numbers and says, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for material, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Dallas contractor steps up, takes some measurements, does some figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure"?
"Easy," the Chicagoan explains. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Dallas."
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New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO - MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
(I just couldn't help it.........................slap me!)
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A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?..
..Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY FOR HOURS!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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A patriot and a great American
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?".
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have.
I've been divorced three times, I've owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."
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IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His
reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we
did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window
and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but
this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're
sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office
To request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this
more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other
with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,
she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us......and theyVOTE
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A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multimillionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...
Over 45 cents?"
Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
I liked the job plan math thread.
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