Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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The Higgs Boson replies indignantly, "Then how can you have a mass?"
I think I should read more than the entertainment section of the news....
The first nun goes to the gate and St Peter asks her only one question: "Sister - Have you ever had anything to do with a man's penis?" The first nun replied "well i saw one once, but that's all". St Peter told her to wash her eyes in the bowl of holy water by the gate and to proceed inside.
He then asked the second nun the same question, she replied "I touched one with my right hand once". So St Peter told her to wash the hand in the bowl of holy water and proceed through the gates into heaven.
At this point St Peter observed the fourth nun cut in line ahead of the third nun. When he challenged her unfair behaviour and asked her why she was budging in line she replied "Listen, if you think I'm going to gargle that water after she's had her arse in it, you're crazy!"
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f--k her again."
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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The Democrat publicity release said, ". . . after a little more than 4 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever."
The details of the poll as released by the White House publicists . . .
* Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first,
* 15 presidents tied for second,
* 17 other presidents tied for third,
* Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
* Obama came in fifth!
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and said,
"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!"
(MADE IN JAPAN ).
for 6 am While his coffeepot.
(MADE IN CHINA).
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor.
(MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt.
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE).
and tennis shoes.
(MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet.
(MADE IN INDIA).
he sat down with his calculator.
(MADE IN MEXICO).
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch.
(MADE IN TAIWAN ).
to the radio.
(MADE IN INDIA ).
he got in his car.
(MADE IN GERMANY ).
filled it with GAS.
(from Saudi Arabia ).
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day.
checking his Computer.
( made in MALAYSIA ),
John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals.
(MADE IN BRAZIL ),
poured himself a glass of wine.
(MADE IN FRANCE ).
and turned on his TV.
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered why he can't.
find a good paying job in AMERICA.
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT.
MADE IN KENYA.
get.over.it
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This seriously made my day and I may have died a little bit inside because of the laughter.