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I'm so pissed at DBF anyone care to give insight as to a man's thinking?

2,257 1,117 December 16, 2009 at 07:18 AM in Chat
Background info:
In March,before we were officially dating,I found naked pictures of this girl on his phone. I got incredibly pissed and confronted him about them. He said we weren't officially dating although we were exclusive so I couldn't get mad at him bc I didn't know what I wanted to do. Fast forward until now, he's been still talking to her and texting her,I've known it all along and I've expressed to him how much I don't like him talking to her etc. He always brings back the part that we weren't "dating" when she sent the pics,and since we've been dating she hasn't sent him any racy pics. I've been trying to be patient and understanding about it but I'm really insecure about this whole situation and I've told him how I feel,but it still does no good. Am I acting irrationally? Do I have a reason to be upset about him still talking to her etc? She's on his facebook and they chit chat alot,but yet he asked me to remove my ex because he didn't like it,and I did because I didn't want him to feel threatened or insecure about it. It gets to the point that when I see her posting in response to him that I clinch my fists because it makes me so mad.
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Joined Jan 2004
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Iaaaiws
12-16-2009 at 10:27 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:27 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
If he did make "contact" with her when we broke up then I can't get mad at him. What he did while we were broken up is none of my concern. If I did anything when we split up it'd be none of his concern either.
Maybe not but it would definitely make any current contact highly inappropriate.
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Original Poster
Jengo
12-16-2009 at 10:29 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:29 AM.
if you are in a "healthy relationship" isn't there no room for resentment,bottled up anger,etc? Aren't you supposed to talk about stuff and not let that be an issue? If you truly love someone aren't you supposed to be selfless and do what the other person needs?

Sigh,now he's saying that I must have something to hide because I'm coming down so hard on him.... Wow I just opened up a huge ass can of worms,but if we can't get through this we are doomed,better to learn that now than a year from now.
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Last edited by Jengo December 16, 2009 at 10:30 AM.
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Original Poster
Jengo
12-16-2009 at 10:31 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:31 AM.
Quote from Iaaaiws :
Maybe not but it would definitely make any current contact highly inappropriate.
Iagree
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BostonGirl
12-16-2009 at 10:31 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:31 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
if you are in a "healthy relationship" isn't there no room for resentment,bottled up anger,etc? Aren't you supposed to talk about stuff and not let that be an issue? If you truly love someone aren't you supposed to be selfless and do what the other person needs?
A "healthy relationship" is a 2-way relationship. You both make sacrifices for the one you love. Neither person is selfish. Neither person needs to be insecure because they have no reason to be. Neither person is left feeling like shit.
There will always be bumps in the road, but this sounds like an ongoing thing. IMO he does not respect you or your feelings AT ALL.
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Joined Sep 2006
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Fallacy
12-16-2009 at 10:32 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:32 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
if you are in a "healthy relationship" isn't there no room for resentment,bottled up anger,etc? Aren't you supposed to talk about stuff and not let that be an issue? If you truly love someone aren't you supposed to be selfless and do what the other person needs?
Everyone is different. No 2 relationships are the same, and yet a lot of couples manage to stay married.
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BostonGirl
12-16-2009 at 10:33 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:33 AM.
Quote from Jengo :

Sigh,now he's saying that I must have something to hide because I'm coming down so hard on him.... Wow I just opened up a huge ass can of worms,but if we can't get through this we are doomed,better to learn that now than a year from now.
That would be the defensive "I'm guilty, so I'm going to make you feel like shit and turn it around on you so you'll drop it.."
This guys sounds like a real mind farker...EEK!
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Original Poster
Jengo
12-16-2009 at 10:35 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:35 AM.
That was my first thought BG,but he has said multiple times that he's not attacking me or trying to manipulate me,like my ex did. So I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and think,maybe he's not trying to manipulate me like that.
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abeo
12-16-2009 at 10:36 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:36 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
if you are in a "healthy relationship" isn't there no room for resentment,bottled up anger,etc?
Yes, there is room for resentment and bottled up anger, but it needs to be confronted and dealt with ASAP and not allowed to fester.

Quote from Jengo :
Aren't you supposed to talk about stuff and not let that be an issue?
Yes, absolutely.

Quote from Jengo :
If you truly love someone aren't you supposed to be selfless and do what the other person needs?
Yes, but for it to work, both people need to be selfless and cater to the others needs. It can't be a one sided relationship.
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Jengo
12-16-2009 at 10:36 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:36 AM.
my ex was a very good manipulator,and because of that I sometimes take things the wrong way with dbf,he has told me many times that he isn't intending it to be like that and not everything that comes out of his mouth is being manipulative or mean.
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Jengo
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
Quote from Grizzley :
Yes, there is room for resentment and bottled up anger, but it needs to be confronted and dealt with ASAP and not allowed to fester.



Yes, absolutely.



Yes, but for it to work, both people need to by selfless and cater to the others needs. It can't be a one sided relationship.
Sigh,who is right or wrong in this situation? That's the line that I can't see,I can't see if I'm on the stand my ground and don't take it line,or if I'm on the other he has a valid point and maybe you shouldn't be so jealous,or whatever line? If I'm wrong, I'll admit defeat and drop the whole thing. He can continue to talk to her on facebook and I'll just have to remind myself that I was in the wrong and not to get upset with him. I can do that, I've done it before.
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DAAB
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
I'm not sure that he is keeping his options open. Maybe he just doesn't want to lose a friend because he doesn't understand why it is "necessary".
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abeo
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:39 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
my ex was a very good manipulator,and because of that I sometimes take things the wrong way with dbf,he has told me many times that he isn't intending it to be like that and not everything that comes out of his mouth is being manipulative or mean.
There are many "levels" and "styles" of manipulation ...... intentional or not.
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sugarandspice03
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
Quote from Jengo :
i'm trying to be understanding but I refuse to let someone walk all over me. Been there done that and I'm not gonna do it again. It will suck if we break up,but time will pass and I'll get over him. I won't be miserable and sad forever. That's the good thing about being human.
I really think he's already walking all over you.. I dealt with this kind of stuff for years hun, and now I don't put up with one ounce of crap in a relationship. If the person can't show me the same respect I show them, in whatever area (example - making sure the other person is comfortable, etc), then we're not good together, and I'm gone. Sorry bro.

Life is SO much easier now! I don't spend time upset or crying about men anymore... Im happy to be a strong, successful woman. Of course, there were times that I did spend crying over guys, but that's what allowed me to learn.

It's ultimately up to you, but I think this relationship has already started to crumble, and rather than try to hold the cookie together - I'd just go ahead and break it. '

Hugs
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handyguy
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
If you're not in a relationship with him them you can dump him & when he asks you why, you can just say cause you're not in a relationship according to him.
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jj.12321
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
12-16-2009 at 10:40 AM.
Quote :
If you truly love someone aren't you supposed to be selfless and do what the other person needs?
No.. that's not how it works.
If it's true love, both people accept each other for who they are.
There's no demands for change from either side.
But in reality, couples in relationships feel the need to have all these "tests", which IMO are not healthy.

It's not a "need" to have someone break off a friendship, if that's what you meant.
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