Joined Jun 2006
L7: Teacher
Forum Thread
Is my kid crazy?
August 3, 2010 at
05:04 PM
in
Chat
I am at the end of my rope with my 4.5 year old's screaming, kicking, hitting temper tantrums. She's an only child and is so sweet most of the time but when she gets really mad, she's awful. Like head spinning, pea soup awful. I know that it is mostly (if not all) our fault and we need to change out behaviors, too. We aren't consistent and have been too "go with the flow." I try to reason with her but it clearly isn't working. Time out use to work somewhat when she was little but she's old enough to realize that I can't keep her there unless I were to physically force her. It has become a power struggle and I can tell she is doing things to push my buttons.
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
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I think you already know what you have to do, just do it. If you get stressed you can always come here for encouragement. Sit down with your husband and discuss as many possible situations that could arise and your reaction to them...all the way to you being about to give up on what you decided to do and what the spouse can do to encourage and support you in finishing the goal.
You have to create a unified front of whatever you say goes. She will probably hate you for a while because it's been so nice up until now...but you're job is to raise a good human being not be her friend. You can do it!
OP, there are a few things to add.
You've been way too lenient, which has put you in the hole you're in right now. Digest what BQ said, and get ready for a lot of tears. You/your husband needs to start being a little mean.... in TONE. One thing I learned from my dad, there are a LOT of ways you can scare the shit out of a kid w/out ever touching them. Right now she's walking all over you because she has no authority in her life. That's only going to extrapolate to other figures (teachers/other kids' parents, etc) if you don't correct it now.
First thing to work on is the physical. Hitting is bad. Right now, it's her most powerful weapon, because it gets the biggest reaction. Surprise her with a bigger reaction that she can't handle. Next time she tries to hit, grab her wrist and lift her to the point she can barely reach the ground. This has the same effect as grabbing a cat by the nape of the neck. She'll have no support, which will immediately take away her ability to physically threaten. From there, get in her face, finger in her face, and in a loud/threatening "growl" type of voice, say "NO! That is NOT acceptable!" She needs to be SCARED of you.... which as I eluded to before, is going to be very hard on you as well.
Now, one of two things are going to happen. Either she's going to try to keep hitting, or she's going to get scared and start crying. You want the later. And btw... when I said tears, I wasn't referring to just hers. The point is, while you're correcting, you need to be 100% firm and unwavering, or you will NEVER present a face of authority to her. If she can crack you, you won't win. If she keeps hitting, it's time for a very firm spanking.
Unfortunately, because of how "with the flow" you've been, you now have to overcorrect what should have already been in place. This is mostly your fault, and now you have to be overly harsh to your kid, which isn't really fair to her, but has to be done. It's a bad situation. There's no way around that. Come to terms with this, center yourself, put a game plan together, and start being a parent. Part of what she's doing is just pushing boundaries. All kids do at that age and it's perfectly healthy. The unfortunate part is that you haven't really put any boundaries up to begin with, so now it's twice as hard for the both of you.
I started in on my kid when he hit 6 months and could roll around. He and I have a fantastic relationship... we laugh and play, he says "I love you daddy" and gives me hugs all the time.. but he knows darn well what is and isn't acceptable, and he knows my tone when he's doing something wrong. The only time I've ever laid a hand on him was when I slapped the crap out of his hand when he was messing w/the knobs on my gas stove after I already tried to correct him 3 times. I believe he was a little over 1 at the time.
EDIT: just read more about the fact that it's happening publicly. One very hard thing you're going to need to do is learn how to look like a complete asshole in public... and don't for one second try to let another parent tell you how to parent while you're in the middle of correcting your child. If other people crack you, that will lessen your image as an authority figure to your child. It might be worth it to let her throw a tantrum in public and then get in her face. She thinks public is a safe space that you can't do anything about. If you work on scaring her at home and then present the EXACT same attitude in public, she'll quickly learn that public is *not* a safe place for her to throw tantrums.
Btw.. if you have a problem w/me saying to scare your kid... sorry.. but you need to. Keeping your kid scared of you prevents you from actually having to physically do anything to them. However, like I said before.. make sure you still have a good relationship with your child. You don't want them to be terrified when you walk in the room... just when they're doing something wrong and ONLY when they're doing something wrong. I don't know you guys at all, but there is the potential to go overboard with this strategy to the point that you're being overbearing about the tiniest of things and that's definitely something you want to avoid.
Because you haven't ever been consistent, it's going to be hard on all of you while you actually establish some boundaries, but you should quickly learn what situation calls for what action. If you find you're constantly yelling at her though, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate what *you* might be doing wrong.
EDIT EDIT: One last chapter in my rather lengthy novel:
This is going to be extremely hard on her. Psychologically, you basically need to break her understanding of reality and re-built it, because it's gotten far too out of control. Fortunately, kids can bounce back from this a lot better earlier on... which is why you need to do it NOW. Eventually, you'll get to a point where you'll have your sweet daughter back, but with an additional, important element; respect... on both of your parts. She'll start to respect you as parents, and you'll start to respect the person she's becoming.
If I haven't said it enough tho... this will NOT be easy, or quick.
BIG DIFFERENCE.
You are training a dog to follow your commands forever and to remain dependant.
You are not raising a child... you are raising an ADULT - hopefully an independant, wise, thinking one.
Do you need them to listen? YES. And "because I said so" is fine in the short term but make sure you explain the reasons later to teach them reasons.
In our house? STOP means "No arguing just STOP!!" BUT.. after they have stopped? They have every right to approach me to enquire as to WHY they were stopped. And occassionally I will open the lines of commincation and ask if there is a way they can resume that will fall within my rules/needs
Touching a breakable object?
STOP! and she stops (unless she's tired or hungry - and then I stop her)
But then "Mom, can we talk about it? I would just like to touch it gently"
ANd she gets either "nope. Non-negotiable on that one.. it's an expensive...." or "hmmm, you HAVE been acting responsibly, what do you suggest?" and she may end up sitting on a pillow and touching it while I hold it...
To have a respectful (not merely obediant) child? We must show them respect as well.
Dr Suess said it best "a person's a person no matter how small"
Concerning the up and leaving one...I know you said that she hates being in stores so taking her home would give her what she wants. But you have to make it that she doesn't wanna go home...when you go home it's for punishment and she should be scared shitless of what will happen when you get her home. You have to make her see that dealing with being annoyed at a store is a lot better than the alternative of farking up mommy's day and going home.
Also, yeah you both need to be pretty harsh and scary...but I will tell you...I was a lot more scared of my mother and still am than my father...makes me love and respect her more for it. But you better believe I still listen to her. I'm 23 and if my 21 year old sis and I are just slightly bickering in the car for shits and giggles...if she starts counting...we stop...we will never ever let her get to 3...that's farking scary still.
I'm just saying you really need to establish that what you say goes and that you and your husband completely back each other up...even if one time one of you disagrees...back them up then and then later in bed or whatever discuss a preferred option for the next time that occurs. She has to know that no one is going to be her go-to-easy-guy.
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OP, there are a few things to add.
You've been way too lenient, which has put you in the hole you're in right now. Digest what BQ said, and get ready for a lot of tears. You/your husband needs to start being a little mean.... in TONE. One thing I learned from my dad, there are a LOT of ways you can scare the shit out of a kid w/out ever touching them. Right now she's walking all over you because she has no authority in her life. That's only going to extrapolate to other figures (teachers/other kids' parents, etc) if you don't correct it now.
First thing to work on is the physical. Hitting is
bad. Right now, it's her most powerful weapon, because it gets the biggest reaction. Surprise her with a bigger reaction that she can't handle. Next time she tries to hit, grab her wrist and lift her to the point she can barely reach the ground. This has the same effect as grabbing a cat by the nape of the neck. She'll have no support, which will immediately take away her ability to physically threaten. From there, get in her face, finger in her face, and in a loud/threatening "growl" type of voice, say "NO! That is NOT acceptable!" She needs to be SCARED of you.... which as I eluded to before, is going to be very hard on you as well.
Now, one of two things are going to happen. Either she's going to try to keep hitting, or she's going to get scared and start crying. You want the later. And btw... when I said tears, I wasn't referring to just hers. The point is, while you're correcting, you need to be 100% firm and unwavering, or you will NEVER present a face of authority to her. If she can crack you, you won't win. If she keeps hitting, it's time for a very firm spanking.
Unfortunately, because of how "with the flow" you've been, you now have to overcorrect what
should have already been in place. This is mostly your fault, and now you have to be overly harsh to your kid, which isn't really fair to her, but has to be done. It's a bad situation. There's no way around that. Come to terms with this, center yourself, put a game plan together, and start being a parent. Part of what she's doing is just pushing boundaries. All kids do at that age and it's perfectly healthy. The unfortunate part is that you haven't really put any boundaries up to begin with, so now it's twice as hard for the both of you.
I started in on my kid when he hit 6 months and could roll around. He and I have a fantastic relationship... we laugh and play, he says "I love you daddy" and gives me hugs all the time.. but he knows darn well what is and isn't acceptable, and he knows my tone when he's doing something wrong. The only time I've ever laid a hand on him was when I slapped the crap out of his hand when he was messing w/the knobs on my gas stove after I already tried to correct him 3 times. I believe he was a little over 1 at the
time.
EDIT: just read more about the fact that it's happening publicly. One very hard thing you're going to need to do is learn how to look like a complete asshole in public... and don't for one second try to let another parent tell you how to parent while you're in the middle of correcting your child. If other people crack you, that will lessen your image as an authority figure to your child. It might be worth it to let her throw a
tantrum in public and then get in her face. She thinks public is a safe space that you can't do anything about. If you work on scaring her at home and then present the EXACT same attitude in public, she'll quickly learn that public is *not* a safe place for her to throw tantrums.
Btw.. if you have a problem w/me saying to scare your kid... sorry.. but you need to. Keeping your kid scared of you prevents you from actually
having to physically do anything to them. However, like I said before.. make sure you still have a good relationship with your child. You don't want them to be terrified when you walk in the room... just when they're doing something wrong and ONLY when they're doing something wrong. I don't know you guys at all, but there is the potential to go overboard with this strategy to the point that you're being overbearing about the tiniest of things and that's definitely something you want to avoid.
Because you haven't ever been consistent, it's going to be hard on all of you while you actually establish some boundaries, but you should quickly learn what situation calls for what action. If you find you're constantly yelling at her though, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate what *you* might be doing wrong.
EDIT EDIT: One last chapter in my rather lengthy novel:
This is going to be extremely hard on her. Psychologically, you basically need to break her understanding of reality and re-built it, because it's gotten far too out of control. Fortunately, kids can bounce back from this a lot better earlier
on... which is why you need to do it NOW. Eventually, you'll get to a point where you'll have your sweet daughter back, but with an additional, important element; respect... on both of your parts. She'll start to respect you as parents, and you'll start to respect the person she's becoming.
If I haven't said it enough tho... this will NOT be easy, or quick.
You sound a lot like someone I know.
BIG DIFFERENCE.
You are training a dog to follow your commands forever and to remain dependant.
You are not raising a child... you are raising an ADULT - hopefully an independant, wise, thinking one.
Do you need them to listen? YES. And "because I said so" is fine in the short term but make sure you explain the reasons later to teach them reasons.
In our house? STOP means "No arguing just STOP!!" BUT.. after they have stopped? They have every right to approach me to enquire as to WHY they were stopped. And occassionally I will open the lines of commincation and ask if there is a way they can resume that will fall within my rules/needs
Touching a breakable object?
STOP! and she stops (unless she's tired or hungry - and then I stop her)
But then "Mom, can we talk about it? I would just like to touch it gently"
ANd she gets either "nope. Non-negotiable on that one.. it's an expensive...." or "hmmm, you HAVE been acting responsibly, what do you suggest?" and she may end up sitting on a pillow and touching it while I hold it...
To have a respectful (not merely obediant) child? We must show them respect as well.
Dr Suess said it best "a person's a person no matter how small"
I behave the way my mother raised me because I respect her. My cousins do stuff behind their parents back because they fear them.
Usually fear will come naturally when respect is already in place.
Kid: I want that toy!!
Me: No
Kid: Why?
Me: Why do you think?
Kid: Because you don't want me to have any fun!!
Me: Now that simply doesn't make sense. Of course I want you to have fun, I love you!
Kid: Then why can't I have the toy?
Me: Why do you think?
Kid: Because it costs a lot?
Me: Well.. that's part of it.. why else?
Kid: Because I already have a lot of toys?
Of course, that's a bit of a dream world there.. but it does work. More often than not they'll just drop it instead of continuing on the conversation... but remember, you can always answer a question with a question
EDIT:
You sound a lot like someone I know.
BIG DIFFERENCE.
You are training a dog to follow your commands forever and to remain dependant.
You are not raising a child... you are raising an ADULT - hopefully an independant, wise, thinking one.
Do you need them to listen? YES. And "because I said so" is fine in the short term but make sure you explain the reasons later to teach them reasons.
In our house? STOP means "No arguing just STOP!!" BUT.. after they have stopped? They have every right to approach me to enquire as to WHY they were stopped. And occassionally I will open the lines of commincation and ask if there is a way they can resume that will fall within my rules/needs
Touching a breakable object?
STOP! and she stops (unless she's tired or hungry - and then I stop her)
But then "Mom, can we talk about it? I would just like to touch it gently"
ANd she gets either "nope. Non-negotiable on that one.. it's an expensive...." or "hmmm, you HAVE been acting responsibly, what do you suggest?" and she may end up sitting on a pillow and touching it while I hold it...
To have a respectful (not merely obediant) child? We must show them respect as well.
Dr Suess said it best "a person's a person no matter how small"
OPs kid is 6 like mine. i dont have to tell the kids to stop touching ANYTHING in the house. they know certain items are breakable and know either not to handle them or do so w care. i trust them more than most adults who come here.
if your really going thru this your kid is being deprived in her own house. its not a museum. even our dishes are kid friendly and they arent plastic.
I behave the way my mother raised me because I respect her. My cousins do stuff behind their parents back because they fear them.
Usually fear will come naturally when respect is already in place.
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OPs kid is 6 like mine. i dont have to tell the kids to stop touching ANYTHING in the house. they know certain items are breakable and know either not to handle them or do so w care. i trust them more than most adults who come here.
if your really going thru this your kid is being deprived in her own house. its not a museum. even our dishes are kid friendly and they arent plastic.
EWWWWW like the TV show.