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Forum Thread
She keeps bringing up her Ex...
November 8, 2012 at
07:22 PM
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I really need some advice with this. I'm a long time member of slickdealz, but am posting under a different s/n to protect my privacy.
It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. This girl and I met studying for our graduate school entrance exams. We were in different cities then, but met online via skype. We made a great study team. I had recently come out of a long term relationship, but I had recovered from it.
She had also been in a long term relationship, but had found out that her bf had been unfaithful to her. She was heartbroken, this was the perfect guy for her and she was planning on marrying him. She had already ended things with him, and told him several times to "leave her alone". Anyway, during our study sessions she would occasionally bring up how hurt she felt. Since I had also come out of a long term relationship, I understood and I listened. We ended up getting very close. During this time she moved away from and back home (an hour away). As far as I knew, they had completely broken up. He was trying to contact her, but she would ignore it.
Also during this time I got a nice job near her and moved there (Miami). I've been here about three months and we've seen each other about everyday. We get along extremely well...really, really well. Problem is that I have no idea where things are with her ex. He has tried to come over to her house and talk to her. She has kept things at a distance and told him to go away. Her parents don't know about what happened, they know things are rocky, but they still think they are together. Her friends don't know anything, she's a very private person and isn't the type to air her dirty laundry so I didn't think anything of it. I haven't been introduced to any of her friends or parents...which is fine by me, it's still too early. She wants to let things with her ex die slowly. She's afraid that if she does it more forcefully, he will create trouble for her and try to embarrass her.
Another big thing that bothers me. She talks about the things used to do for her. He wrote her papers in college, they did projects together, he bought her a lot of gifts. She talks about how smart he is, (he wrote all the papers for his own mom to get her PhD in sociology), how thoughtful and attentive he was, how he would drive her everywhere, how they would eat out all the time, knew her moods well, what a great team they made, how jealous everyone was of their relationship, etc. This comes up every now and then, a few times a week. Naturally, this makes me feel confused, not jealous, but hurt. I don't bring up my ex...and because I don't, she thinks I'm still talking to her...which I'm not. She still talks about how he ruined everything, everything was going perfectly from her perspective. I feel like the only reason we're together is because things between her and him didn't work out. She sometimes says she'll never be happy again, that she thinks she'll never marry. This leads to feelings of frustration and insecurity. I feel like snapping at her.
I'm beginning to think I've gotten myself into a pretty shitty situation. I've spoken to her about bringing her up. She says that certain questions I ask lead her to talk about him. But I don't ask about him, I don't really want to know. She says she loves me, cares for me, has a connection with me that she's never had with anyone. And it does seem that way, but I do feel like her ex's shadow looms large over us. I don't like it. But I do really like her...what should I do?
It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. This girl and I met studying for our graduate school entrance exams. We were in different cities then, but met online via skype. We made a great study team. I had recently come out of a long term relationship, but I had recovered from it.
She had also been in a long term relationship, but had found out that her bf had been unfaithful to her. She was heartbroken, this was the perfect guy for her and she was planning on marrying him. She had already ended things with him, and told him several times to "leave her alone". Anyway, during our study sessions she would occasionally bring up how hurt she felt. Since I had also come out of a long term relationship, I understood and I listened. We ended up getting very close. During this time she moved away from and back home (an hour away). As far as I knew, they had completely broken up. He was trying to contact her, but she would ignore it.
Also during this time I got a nice job near her and moved there (Miami). I've been here about three months and we've seen each other about everyday. We get along extremely well...really, really well. Problem is that I have no idea where things are with her ex. He has tried to come over to her house and talk to her. She has kept things at a distance and told him to go away. Her parents don't know about what happened, they know things are rocky, but they still think they are together. Her friends don't know anything, she's a very private person and isn't the type to air her dirty laundry so I didn't think anything of it. I haven't been introduced to any of her friends or parents...which is fine by me, it's still too early. She wants to let things with her ex die slowly. She's afraid that if she does it more forcefully, he will create trouble for her and try to embarrass her.
Another big thing that bothers me. She talks about the things used to do for her. He wrote her papers in college, they did projects together, he bought her a lot of gifts. She talks about how smart he is, (he wrote all the papers for his own mom to get her PhD in sociology), how thoughtful and attentive he was, how he would drive her everywhere, how they would eat out all the time, knew her moods well, what a great team they made, how jealous everyone was of their relationship, etc. This comes up every now and then, a few times a week. Naturally, this makes me feel confused, not jealous, but hurt. I don't bring up my ex...and because I don't, she thinks I'm still talking to her...which I'm not. She still talks about how he ruined everything, everything was going perfectly from her perspective. I feel like the only reason we're together is because things between her and him didn't work out. She sometimes says she'll never be happy again, that she thinks she'll never marry. This leads to feelings of frustration and insecurity. I feel like snapping at her.
I'm beginning to think I've gotten myself into a pretty shitty situation. I've spoken to her about bringing her up. She says that certain questions I ask lead her to talk about him. But I don't ask about him, I don't really want to know. She says she loves me, cares for me, has a connection with me that she's never had with anyone. And it does seem that way, but I do feel like her ex's shadow looms large over us. I don't like it. But I do really like her...what should I do?
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Same thing for like a year, brought up ex..
She eventually gets bored, moves on.
If the girl brings up their ex, they are moving on to move on and aren't ready to move on.
If you think you are going to get hur at all from this, just leave it now.
She talks about her ex because he was the first, she will get over it over time..
The question to ask is what do you get out of it? it sounds like you have a really good time together and as far as having somone to do stuff with in general she is the best you have found by far.
So stick it out don't make a big deal of her shortcomings and over time you will either win her over or move on.
Someone who thinks it is acceptable for someone else to write papers for them isn't exactly lifetime partner material anyway.
Ditch the loser and let her find a new daddy to take care of her. She isn't interested in an equal partner relationship-she needs a caretaker.
Same thing for like a year, brought up ex..
She eventually gets bored, moves on.
If the girl brings up their ex, they are moving on to move on and aren't ready to move on.
If you think you are going to get hur at all from this, just leave it now.
She talks about her ex because he was the first, she will get over it over time..
The question to ask is what do you get out of it? it sounds like you have a really good time together and as far as having somone to do stuff with in general she is the best you have found by far.
So stick it out don't make a big deal of her shortcomings and over time you will either win her over or move on.
You should move up to knifing her car tires,
She needs to learn how to change a tire anyway! In case she ever needs to do so...
Oh boy, sounds like you have been farked already.
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Yeah, did you also read the part where he admitted she had been having sex for YEARS with her ex, and they only used the withdrawal method?
Sure sounds like somebody that wants to save herself for marriage all right....... Just not to HIM!
Sure sounds like somebody that wants to save herself for marriage all right....... Just not to HIM!
Problem solved...you get your jollies and she saves her long lost mythically-intact hymen for someone else.
She needs to learn how to change a tire anyway! In case she ever needs to do so...
Problem solved...you get your jollies and she saves her long lost mythically-intact hymen for someone else.
I don't care about having sex with her, just really, really like this girl. And I know she really likes me too. We've done some stuff already, the attraction between us is electric, just haven't gone all the way. It seemed too good to be true, she has a very healthy sexual appetite, and hates condoms (I'm never going to find that combination again)! Who knows though, a lot of relationships are bliss for the first year, right? I guess I shouldn't think this is anything super special. I've tried dealing with this by myself. Posting anonymously in a forum was kinda a last resort option for me.
I'd rather hear the bitter truth than keep going on like this.
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