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Forum Thread
She keeps bringing up her Ex...
November 8, 2012 at
07:22 PM
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I really need some advice with this. I'm a long time member of slickdealz, but am posting under a different s/n to protect my privacy.
It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. This girl and I met studying for our graduate school entrance exams. We were in different cities then, but met online via skype. We made a great study team. I had recently come out of a long term relationship, but I had recovered from it.
She had also been in a long term relationship, but had found out that her bf had been unfaithful to her. She was heartbroken, this was the perfect guy for her and she was planning on marrying him. She had already ended things with him, and told him several times to "leave her alone". Anyway, during our study sessions she would occasionally bring up how hurt she felt. Since I had also come out of a long term relationship, I understood and I listened. We ended up getting very close. During this time she moved away from and back home (an hour away). As far as I knew, they had completely broken up. He was trying to contact her, but she would ignore it.
Also during this time I got a nice job near her and moved there (Miami). I've been here about three months and we've seen each other about everyday. We get along extremely well...really, really well. Problem is that I have no idea where things are with her ex. He has tried to come over to her house and talk to her. She has kept things at a distance and told him to go away. Her parents don't know about what happened, they know things are rocky, but they still think they are together. Her friends don't know anything, she's a very private person and isn't the type to air her dirty laundry so I didn't think anything of it. I haven't been introduced to any of her friends or parents...which is fine by me, it's still too early. She wants to let things with her ex die slowly. She's afraid that if she does it more forcefully, he will create trouble for her and try to embarrass her.
Another big thing that bothers me. She talks about the things used to do for her. He wrote her papers in college, they did projects together, he bought her a lot of gifts. She talks about how smart he is, (he wrote all the papers for his own mom to get her PhD in sociology), how thoughtful and attentive he was, how he would drive her everywhere, how they would eat out all the time, knew her moods well, what a great team they made, how jealous everyone was of their relationship, etc. This comes up every now and then, a few times a week. Naturally, this makes me feel confused, not jealous, but hurt. I don't bring up my ex...and because I don't, she thinks I'm still talking to her...which I'm not. She still talks about how he ruined everything, everything was going perfectly from her perspective. I feel like the only reason we're together is because things between her and him didn't work out. She sometimes says she'll never be happy again, that she thinks she'll never marry. This leads to feelings of frustration and insecurity. I feel like snapping at her.
I'm beginning to think I've gotten myself into a pretty shitty situation. I've spoken to her about bringing her up. She says that certain questions I ask lead her to talk about him. But I don't ask about him, I don't really want to know. She says she loves me, cares for me, has a connection with me that she's never had with anyone. And it does seem that way, but I do feel like her ex's shadow looms large over us. I don't like it. But I do really like her...what should I do?
It's a long story, but I'll try to make it short. This girl and I met studying for our graduate school entrance exams. We were in different cities then, but met online via skype. We made a great study team. I had recently come out of a long term relationship, but I had recovered from it.
She had also been in a long term relationship, but had found out that her bf had been unfaithful to her. She was heartbroken, this was the perfect guy for her and she was planning on marrying him. She had already ended things with him, and told him several times to "leave her alone". Anyway, during our study sessions she would occasionally bring up how hurt she felt. Since I had also come out of a long term relationship, I understood and I listened. We ended up getting very close. During this time she moved away from and back home (an hour away). As far as I knew, they had completely broken up. He was trying to contact her, but she would ignore it.
Also during this time I got a nice job near her and moved there (Miami). I've been here about three months and we've seen each other about everyday. We get along extremely well...really, really well. Problem is that I have no idea where things are with her ex. He has tried to come over to her house and talk to her. She has kept things at a distance and told him to go away. Her parents don't know about what happened, they know things are rocky, but they still think they are together. Her friends don't know anything, she's a very private person and isn't the type to air her dirty laundry so I didn't think anything of it. I haven't been introduced to any of her friends or parents...which is fine by me, it's still too early. She wants to let things with her ex die slowly. She's afraid that if she does it more forcefully, he will create trouble for her and try to embarrass her.
Another big thing that bothers me. She talks about the things used to do for her. He wrote her papers in college, they did projects together, he bought her a lot of gifts. She talks about how smart he is, (he wrote all the papers for his own mom to get her PhD in sociology), how thoughtful and attentive he was, how he would drive her everywhere, how they would eat out all the time, knew her moods well, what a great team they made, how jealous everyone was of their relationship, etc. This comes up every now and then, a few times a week. Naturally, this makes me feel confused, not jealous, but hurt. I don't bring up my ex...and because I don't, she thinks I'm still talking to her...which I'm not. She still talks about how he ruined everything, everything was going perfectly from her perspective. I feel like the only reason we're together is because things between her and him didn't work out. She sometimes says she'll never be happy again, that she thinks she'll never marry. This leads to feelings of frustration and insecurity. I feel like snapping at her.
I'm beginning to think I've gotten myself into a pretty shitty situation. I've spoken to her about bringing her up. She says that certain questions I ask lead her to talk about him. But I don't ask about him, I don't really want to know. She says she loves me, cares for me, has a connection with me that she's never had with anyone. And it does seem that way, but I do feel like her ex's shadow looms large over us. I don't like it. But I do really like her...what should I do?
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Sorry, I just saw it.
Yes, she is beautiful, doesn't need ANY makeup to look amazing.. But I don't care about that as much since I'm an attractive guy as well. Plus outer beauty fades quickly.
Anyway, do you think she would act the same if she were fat? (i.e get others to do work/school for her, buy her gifts, and cater to the admitted high maintenance)
Someone who thinks it is acceptable for someone else to write papers for them isn't exactly lifetime partner material anyway.
Ditch the loser and let her find a new daddy to take care of her. She isn't interested in an equal partner relationship-she needs a caretaker.
Not to mention she doesn't exactly sound like the most responsible person in the world.
^this^ This is not the kind of person that you want a relationship with, especially a serious, long-term one. She sounds VERY co-dependant and all of her referrals about her ex doing all of these "wonderful" things for her, sounds as though she is asking for the same from you. It can be all cute and kittenish to be dependent, but believe me - it gets old really fast. Consider this an education on what type of gf to avoid. Those that manipulate (you may not believe she is doing that, but I assure you, she is) will go to any length to get others to "take care" of them. So, I'll repeat my friend, run, run like the wind. Don't look back!
Anyway, do you think she would act the same if she were fat? (i.e get others to do work/school for her, buy her gifts, and cater to the admitted high maintenance)
Maybe, maybe not. Some fat girls tend to have low self esteem (a self defeatist attitude), others are comfortable in their own skin. The ones who have more self confidence are more attractive, regardless of appearance. If she wants someone to help her out with school occasionally, I wouldn't mind, as long as it's not a constant thing. And yes, a fat girl would be perfectly capable of being high maintenance.
Maybe, maybe not. Some fat girls tend to have low self esteem (a self defeatist attitude), others are comfortable in their own skin. The ones who have more self confidence are more attractive, regardless of appearance. If she wants someone to help her out with school occasionally, I wouldn't mind, as long as it's not a constant thing. And yes, a fat girl would be perfectly capable of being high maintenance.
Really? She does not want to be intimate? She is lying she is still doing it with the X I guaranty (you are respecting her beliefs how nice come on! if she was that religious she would not have done it in the first place). I do not believe in beauty as well charm is more important.
Good luck.
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As a guy, the most important thing to me is to be able to call my girl mine. You don't have that. That must be eating you alive on the inside, why are you doing that to yourself? This won't end well for you, unless you end it. If she's serious about you, she'll come after you. If not, then screw her, good riddance.
Either way, please let us know how it turns out!
I wanted to update everyone who has given me advice (or just secreted laughed at my misery).
So...I had sex with her over the weekend. It was very enjoyable. Then her ex-bf paid her another visit and she used me as a psychologist again. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I told her to shove it and not to ever talk to me again. Vengeful? Not really, I guess sex with me didn't really mean anything to her if she still brought up her ex and wanted me to listen. Pretty pissed at her, but hey, at least I scored! (Doesn't really help the situation, but makes me feel a lot better)
So...I had sex with her over the weekend. It was very enjoyable. Then her ex-bf paid her another visit and she used me as a psychologist again. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I told her to shove it and not to ever talk to me again. Vengeful? Not really, I guess sex with me didn't really mean anything to her if she still brought up her ex and wanted me to listen. Pretty pissed at her, but hey, at least I scored! (Doesn't really help the situation, but makes me feel a lot better)
But I'm guessing that's not really the end of it. I'm certainly not suggesting that you don't break up with her, but I'd be surprised if you didn't hear from her soon--and some kinder words might be in order at that time.
But I'm guessing that's not really the end of it. I'm certainly not suggesting that you don't break up with her, but I'd be surprised if you didn't hear from her soon--and some kinder words might be in order at that time.
I wanted to update everyone who has given me advice (or just secreted laughed at my misery).
So...I had sex with her over the weekend. It was very enjoyable. Then her ex-bf paid her another visit and she used me as a psychologist again. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I told her to shove it and not to ever talk to me again. Vengeful? Not really, I guess sex with me didn't really mean anything to her if she still brought up her ex and wanted me to listen. Pretty pissed at her, but hey, at least I scored! (Doesn't really help the situation, but makes me feel a lot better)
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