Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
1,240 Comments
Your comment cannot be blank.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
Business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican
Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm
Sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
Even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.... Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Denim, Denim Denim
(You have to say it out loud for it to make sense, haha)
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
!
!
!
!
!
!
OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Bar & Grill."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the bar. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Bar & Grill?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, "Sem Ting."
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
!
!
!
!
!
!
OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments...
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his answer, and ina classic style he did not bat an eye as he responded, "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
She says, "I'd take half then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now F** off!"