Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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with 2 HUGE BOOBS !!!
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
She sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
You might be a "high tech redneck" if....
- your email address ends in "over.yonder.com"
- you connect to the WWW via "Down Home Page"
- your bumper sticker says "My other computer is a laptop"
- your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson"
- you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cell phone
- your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
- your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
- your wife said "either I go or the computer goes"...and you still don't miss her
- you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
- you refer to your computer as "that good ol' gal"
- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
- you start all your emails with "Howdy, y'all"
- your spell-checker knows words like "Reckon", "Yonder", and "Y'all"
- your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's
- your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive
- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)
- your active newsgroup list includes alt.animal.husbandry
- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case
- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddyup
- your netscape bookmark list includes EquiVet, net-vet or the OSU agriculture page
Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
You know you're Italian when
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. Your grandfather had a fig tree.
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing"
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
*1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time
it worked.*
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence
sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked
how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was
simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving
train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of
the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a
gun, and demanded ! cash. The clerk turned him down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A
5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled
up next to a motor home near spilled sewage A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but
he plugged his syphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with
friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals
by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that
case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for
Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife.
With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to
find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half with nice home.
No, I mean what's the foundation?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf
in bathroom. I can read. It say:
Polish Remover
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel -
>> I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
2. Dictate -
>> My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb -
>> I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4 Foreclose -
>> If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum -
>> I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment -
>> My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna
send me back to the joint.
7. Penis -
>> I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel -
>> Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He
say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
9. Undermine -
>> There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic -
>> When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq -
>>When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain -
>>My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify -
>>I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify."
14. Income -
>>I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
> Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
> Let us use it in a sentence.
>>"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
When he finally got home Sunday night,he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied,"That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday,the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her out of the corner of his eye.
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love you
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas,
Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky. . . . . . . . Nice Tits
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love you
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas,
Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky. . . . . . . . Nice Tits
Pennslyvania...........Burp!!...Good dinner!
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To which the pirate replies.......
"Yarrr, thar be a bounty on me head"