Joined Jun 2006
L7: Teacher
Forum Thread
Is my kid crazy?
August 3, 2010 at
05:04 PM
in
Chat
I am at the end of my rope with my 4.5 year old's screaming, kicking, hitting temper tantrums. She's an only child and is so sweet most of the time but when she gets really mad, she's awful. Like head spinning, pea soup awful. I know that it is mostly (if not all) our fault and we need to change out behaviors, too. We aren't consistent and have been too "go with the flow." I try to reason with her but it clearly isn't working. Time out use to work somewhat when she was little but she's old enough to realize that I can't keep her there unless I were to physically force her. It has become a power struggle and I can tell she is doing things to push my buttons.
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
Is this normal for her age? Any suggestions for books? Does she need therapy? I think I do....
146 Comments
Your comment cannot be blank.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
what i am trying to express and admittedly feel i am doing so badly is that I feel by saying things like "grow up" "is that what big boys do" etc institutes this illogical superiority of age and moves the behavior to something the child cant control, their age. It also creates this false idea that crying is bad. I am sure there are days when you cry because being a parents, hell even simply living, is stressful and difficult. Crying or having a bad day isnt a horrible thing and its ok to "act out" in a responsible manner....
Now while i can expect an adult to understand and differentiate when and how its appropriate to act out cry, whatever, i dont think a child can. I guess overall i think its a dis-service to try and continue this idea that "big girls dont cry" [youtube.com]
what i am trying to express and admittedly feel i am doing so badly is that I feel by saying things like "grow up" "is that what big boys do" etc institutes this illogical superiority of age and moves the behavior to something the child cant control, their age. It also creates this false idea that crying is bad. I am sure there are days when you cry because being a parents, hell even simply living, is stressful and difficult. Crying or having a bad day isnt a horrible thing and its ok to "act out" in a responsible manner....
Now while i can expect an adult to understand and differentiate when and how its appropriate to act out cry, whatever, i dont think a child can. I guess overall i think its a dis-service to try and continue this idea that "big girls dont cry" [youtube.com]
If she throws a fit, calmly explain that you will leave immediately if the behavior doesn't stop. When it doesn't stop, LEAVE THE STORE.
The first time I had to do this I was so so so angry. I just wanted to finish my shopping. I didn't want to leave and WHY couldn't he just behave? Well, because there were no consequences to his actions.
Simple rule.
throw a fit > we leave the store
Immediately.
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.
Rosemond: Stopping temper tantrums is like expelling demons
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A concerned mother told me her 6-year-old daughter still threw tantrums nearly every day, during which she screamed, produced copious tears and performed various contortions, often losing her balance and falling to the ground where she would writhe as if possessed by demons. In fact, the parents sometimes wondered if an exorcism might be appropriate. These tantrums occurred when she didnt get her way, I told her.
She stared at me for several seconds, then said, Someone told me she might be bipolar.
All toddlers are bipolar.
But shes not a toddler.
Yes she is, I said. Shes a toddler in a 6-year-old body. Toddlers believe that what they want, they deserve to have. Your daughter believes that. Shes stuck in toddlerhood.
This little girls mother was convinced that her daughters tantrums were indication of either some unresolved psychological issue or a biochemical imbalance. (Note: Contrary to common belief, the concept of a biochemical imbalance is completely theoretical. No one has proven that such a brain state exists, and one leading psychiatrist has admitted it is nothing but a useful metaphor.) I proposed a developmental explanation. Tantrums are typical of toddlers. Before the Big Wet Blanket of Psychobabble was thrown over parents common sense, tantrums were rare after the third birthday. A child who throws tantrums after their third birthday still believes what toddlers believe: she is the Almighty I Am. Like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, its all about her.
Giving up that fantasy is what growing up is all about. It is the hump that separates toddlerhood from creative childhood. The so-called terrible twos are all about the psychic pain the child experiences as he reluctantly lets go of the delusion that he is Emperor of the Universe. The parents task is to do all they can to shorten the duration of said pain as much as possible. Unfortunately, todays parents try to lessen the pain, in the course of which it lasts much longer than it should. Such was the case with the parents in question. In the course of trying to make their daughter happy, they had delayed her ability to take responsibility for her own happiness.
At my recommendation, the parents told their daughter that theyd seen a television show in which a famous doctor had talked about children who still throw tantrums at age 7. He had said that such children arent getting enough sleep; that they should be put to bed right after supper, but no later than 6:30 p.m., until the tantrums stopped completely for three weeks. If, during the three weeks, the child threw a tantrum, even a little one, the three weeks had to start over the next day.
The exorcism took six weeks, during which time the three-week cure started over seven times, mostly in weeks one and two. Finally, the little girl expelled her demons. And she is much happier today than she ever was when her parents were trying their best to make her happy.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents questions on his website at www.rosemond.co
Something that helped me was to find each child's currency, what motivates them the most. For some it's actually money, other kids might respond to praise, trips to the library, etc. Once you find what motivates her, you can use that as positive reinforcement. Yes that is just bribery under a pretty name but it's like all habits, once it's changed to a better, more socially acceptable habit, things will be easier.
*If* you find that you and your SO have made honest efforts to be consistent about how to handle her behaviors, say 6 months or so, and you aren't noticing any changes and/or there are other issues that cause concern, maybe it's something that is beyond her control. It's a very small chance but always a chance that a child can have underlying issues, is developing at HER own pace and what she does is normal for HER developmental stage. I'm not saying inappropriate behavior is ok but that sometimes there can be something contributing to that behavior.
* had to put in my plug for possible causes. As a parent of children with special needs, I've seen lots of reasons why a child that seemingly *should* be able to do something, understand something, but can't. And it's not always something they have control over so punishment is ineffective and inappropriate.
eta something else to consider- does she sleep well, or does she snore? Sleepwalk? Any food or other allergies? There are so many things that can make a child act out, not all are simply willfulness on the part of the child. Also, I agree with TheWoman, removing a child from a store seems like you are doing everyone a favor but in the end the child is manipulating you. She knows what buttons to push.
Good luck!
For example, stay away from any hard cover book. When you smack the kid with a hard cover book there is too much potential to leave a bruise or other mark which is never a good idea.
Also, too small of a book isn't good. Better to have one that is at least 10 or 11 inches of height. That way not as much effort is exerted and you can take advantage of the flex in creating a whipping action as the book flexes.
The paper makes a difference as well. Avoid the soft recycled type paper although it is acceptable if there isn't an alternative. The shiny white paper allows the air between the pages to be forced out more rapidly creating that explosive bullwhip type "snap" sound on impact that can be very intimidating to a frightened kid.
A little bit of research and practice hits with varying types of books can yield some very satisfying results.
we went somewhere today and they were running. i told my son, he was on 2 and if either ran again we were leaving
Sign up for a Slickdeals account to remove this ad.