Joined Dec 2003
Benevolent Dictator
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Excuse me, Ms. Autumn, you fiery amber-headed chick you
April 26, 2007 at
09:32 PM
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I was talking to TR...I think it was last night? I can't get on msn without that being the first thing he says
I've got a few scenarios in my head. I just need to decide where to go with it
Bob goes to Publix one day. B was getting ready to pull into a parking spot when Bob cuts him off. This irked B but he found another spot and went inside. In the store Bob cut B off several times in the aisles, took the last bunch of bananas (Which B needed for his famous Banana chiffon cake with pink sprinkles that he bakes weekly for his "What? I'm not gay" men's group.) Then Bob got in front of B in the ten items or less checkout lane with 28 items. It is then that B vows death and revenge on Bob.
B calls up his good buddy E. E says "That's farked up man. You should contact F. He can probably help you out more than I can as I am only somewhat competent.
B calls up F and introduces himself as a friend of E's. F tells B to give him his credit card number, SSN, date of birth and favorite color. He also asked "If you were a bird..what bird would you be?".. B says "Wtf..why would I tell you all that?" F then screams something in Nigerian and says he'll send B a laptop. B said "Seriously F...you're more incompetent that E." and hangs up.
Little does he know that outside his house..D was listening intently to the conversation through the conveniently opened window. He knocks on B's door. B doesn't hear because he's sitting in the corner muttering "Farking Nigerian's" D knocks on the door again...finally B hears him. He opens the door a crack and asks D who he is. D answers "I have a freebie for you"...well like any SDer would...B flings open the door in excitement. D laughed and said "Got you....farking moron..." and then walks inside. B said "What's the meaning of this?" D said "I couldn't help but hear about your little...problem..." ..he twirls his fingers in little circles as if he has a mustache. However he doesn't have a mustache because D got bit once by a snake who's venom inhibits hair growth. But that's another story.
B was a little unsure as to what to think of D...but he sure did want to get back at that bastard, Bob..so he decided to give this guy a chance. D walked over to the chair and sat down. The chair made a funny farting noise but B tried not to laugh because D looked like one badass motherfarker.
B told D the complete story...ending it with tears as he told about the lack of bananas and how he can't make his banana chiffon cake with pink sprinkles for his men's group. D was outraged on behalf of B. "I would have suggested arson but this guy sounds like he deserves more than that." He then asked for some iced tea while he sat back to think about what the plan of attack should be. Suddenly the tinny sound of "The Final Countdown" rang out on his cellphone. It was his friend..C. While B was getting D's iced tea...D told C about Bob. He gave C directions to B's house...and also asked if he could possible pick him up a Quarter Pounder with Cheese because being a badass motherfarker can really build up an appetite.
B was surprised when he came back into the living room and saw C standing there with a bag of McDonald's. He was sorta of annoyed because no one had thought to ask if he wanted anything. I mean..it's McDonald's for gosh sakes..their ice cream flurries rock. But I digress.
B, C and D decided to watch SNL because they heard it was supposed to be good that night. They heard wrong. Anyway...after discussing numerous options..arson, arsenic, blow up dolls and bear traps...they decided that this issue with Bob was bigger than the three of them. C looked over to D and said "Do you think that we should..." D held up one hand and nodded "I think we should" B asked what they were talking about and C said "We're talking in code..motherfarker. Just stand back and watch us in awe."
C walked into the next room to make his phone call. D apologized to B for C's behavior. "He gets a little power mad sometimes. Ever since he got bold on some website he's been obnoxiously full of himself." he then lowered his voice "C and I have decided we need to call upon someone far more powerful than ourselves. Had Bob just butted in front of you in line, stole your parking space and annoyed you in general...we could cut him some slack. But the theft of the bananas is unforgivable. We are calling A. A will be able to get this done."
C came back into the room and glared at D. "You told B about C..didn't you?" D told C to fark off. Then they started slapping each other. Over the sound of their fighting B heard his doorbell ring. He walked over and opened up the door. In the mist he saw a figure clad all in black with a black cloak covering his eyes. "Step aside..peasant" A said as he walked inside. A looked around disdainfully at B's small home. "I suppose we should get this over as soon as possible so I can get out of this hellhole." "Hellhole?!" B said with shock "I'll have you know this house is appraised for 250k and I have a 5.3% fixed rate on my mortgage. Three bedrooms and.." "ENOUGH!" A yelled as he held up his hand and sat down. "Let's get down to business."
I'll write the rest later
"So A...what do you propose we do about this?" asked C. "SILENCE" screeched A. "You should know that I will share the idea only when I am ready. I will not be Forced to come up with an idea right this very moment or even Share that idea just because you've told me to. In fact..it just makes me feel like being more difficult." and with that...A huffed and stood up, flinging his cloak behind him. "No, no..wait. I'm sorry for...um..asking a..question. I should have known better than to ask a..uh..question." B said as he looked around at the other guys glowering at him. He could not see A's eyes because of the hood...and why was A wearing a cloak with a hood anyway, he wondered. Who the fark wears cloaks anymore. He opened his mouth to ask but then thought better of it. "Alright, you are forgiven" A said..almost sounding bored as he sat back down.
Just then there was a knock at the door. "Pizza?" C asked excitedly. "Did we order pizza
After everyone was settled (with chiffon, although not banana chiffon, pie) A looked at them all. At least they thought he did. Damn hood.
"I have an idea in my mind...something that should only be saved for the worst asshats in the world" A began. "Wait...it wasn't Cav that took my bananas..it was Bob" B exclaimed. A shot him down with a look "We're dealing with a bigger asshat than Cav, B...we're talking about a guy who stole your bananas, cut you off in your parking spot, got in front of you with 28 items in the 10 items or less line. We're talking asshat" "Ooooh" B, C, D and F exclaimed..somewhat in awe of what they were up against.
"There is a weapon so strong..so impenetrable that if we are able to use it on Bob..he will surely die. However..." A stopped and looked out the window "There aren't many that possess the item we need. Not many at all. It was at one time rumored that I possessed such an item..such...power...but alas...it was only a rumor." a single tear fell down A's cheek. The rest sat back..not sure what to do or say. A moment later A wiped the tear away and got back to business as though nothing had happened. "If we can get possession of this item...we can begin our plan of killing Bob." "What is the item?" D asked, his mouth hanging open. A looked over at him "I will tell you things on a need to know basis...until then...do not ask"
Ok...more later.
"What plans have you come up with so far? No..no wait..let me guess. Arson, bear traps...am I correct in assuming this?" The others looked around sheepishly because A was indeed correct. "Typical of amatures. Take the easy way. The predictable way. Do you not think that most people turn to arson as a way of revenge? There's a picture of an arson match with a frowny face on it, for God's sakes." The rest of them had the decency to look at each other with shame.
"Now," A said gravely "I'm going to have to ask of you a vow of silence..if.." "Wait a second," F interrupted "I don't mean to sound incompetent here.." D snorted back a laugh "but how are we supposed to make this plan if we're not even allowed to speak?" The rest of them looked at F in a "Is this guy really this farking dumb" look. "Do we really need F?" F asked. "Yes...unfortunately." A anwered. "Anyway...I need to make sure you all take a vow of silence...meaning...F...that we promise not to speak of this plan outside of this circle of people. Not that we're not allowed to talk....idiot" A mumbled this last part under his breath. "I need you all to pinky swear that you.." "PINKY SWEAR?" B broke in. "Who the fark Pinky Swears anymore? What about walking over burning coals. What about..." "Do you WANT to walk over burning coals?" A shouted. "No...not especially..." B had the decency to blush. "But it is getting late and I need to think about going to bed soon so I just wanted to have us talk about the plan and move on. I've got a schedule to maintain you know." A just glowered at him. "Listen punk, I was called here on short notice. You're in a dire situation. Do you WANT me to take more time to think of creative pretty ways for this farking vow of silence ritual? Seriously...by all means...I can come back later when I think of one..." And with that, A got up to leave. None of the others knew exactly what to do or say..though they all blamed B. It was easier that way. D kicked B. Why? He wasn't sure..but it felt like the right thing to do at the moment.
A stormed out the door and slammed it behind him. A few moments passed. Then they heard the doorbell ring. Standing there was A...water running down his cloak. "Ohh..." thought B "I guess the stupid cloak is good for something. Although...when did it start raining?" That's when he noticed his sprinklers had turned on. "Good old sprinklers. Right on schedule. I don't want my petunias to get dried out." Then he looked into A's eyes and shrunk back. "You fools..." A shouted "You were supposed to stop me. You were supposed to say 'A...don't go. We need you. We're worthless without you.." The others looked around confused. A sighed and walked in again. "Next time I WILL leave..for good. And then you can go through with your arson plan. Or better yet..your bear trap plan. And who the Hell uses bear traps for anything but bears anyway? What do you think is going to happen. I mean..really." C leaned over to D and said "Wtf...you'd think it's his time of the month." D giggled.
"Anyway...onto business...I can't waste my time all night with this foolery. First...pinky swear on the vow of silence." the other guys looked uncertain. "PINKY SWEAR DAMN IT"...the other guys didn't really understand why A was so adamant about the whole piny swearing business..but they figured maybe that's what they did in the mafia or something. What did they know? So they pinky swore. F blushed. C punched him. Hilarity ensured.
When it had quieted down A looked down on them all with a very serious expression. At least..it seemed like a very serious expression. It was hard to tell..farking cloak. "Now I'm going to ask you all to do something..something you won't want to do. However if this plan is to be successful it needs to be done." The guys looked at A..enraptured..as well they should be.
A fixed his gaze on B. "B..I need you to find out where Bob lives." "Are we going to go over and *censored phrase that starts with a P*?" D cried. "What? No. Wtf is wrong with you?" D shrank back. "No..we need to...befriend Bob. Get his trust. The only way to really implicate this plan successfully is to get inside.." F giggled again. "Get inside his mind..you fool. "Good Lord..you'd think you were a high schooler with your juvenile ways of thinking. I don't want this to taint our operation."..."You said taint"...F giggled. D bitch slapped him and F shrunk back.
"Now I need B to befriend Bob. Gain his trust. Find his weakness. I have a feeling I know what it is..but we must be sure. Each of you will have a part in this plan...each role depending on your strengths." A looked around "If you have any" he mumbled.
"B...tomorrow you will find out Bob's address." A said. "Umm..how am I supposed to do that?" B asked? "D is faily competent at computers. We'll hack into the security tapes of Target. Find Bob's license number. Track him that way. My God man, you act as though you've never done anything like this before."
None of them had...but that was beside the point.
"After we find out where he lives..I want you to go to his house. I want you to dress up as though you are a singing telegram messenger delivering him a telegram." A said. "How will I know that he'll answer the door?" B asked. "By knowing what interests him. We know he likes bananas, correct?" "Mmmm...bananas.." B drooled. "Wipe up that drool, fool..." A growled. "Hey...you rhymed!" C said...doing a weird little hop. This could have been due to excitement or the fact that he had been needing to go to the bathroom quite badly for the past hour.
"I swear...if I my Internet wasn't down right now..I'd so leave here and go back to my buddies online. At least they have some semblance of intelligence. Some of them. Occasionally. Anyway...B...I want you to go to Bob's house. You're going to give him some bananas. We'll insert a listening device into the stem of the bananas and a tracking device into the peel." B thought for a moment and said "What am I supposed to do? Randomly walk up to his door and just hand him some bananas? Won't that seem odd..just some random guy walking up to his door and handing bananas to him?" "You won't be some random guy walking up to his door. I told you..you're going to deliver a singing telegram. I happen to have a banana costume back at my house..." C snickered "Why on Earth would you happen to have one?" A kicked him "I had a weird collage life. Now STFU."
"Anyway, B, you're going to put on this costume and.." B started to protest but A shot him down with a look. A look of doom. And possibly some terror mixed in. It was hard to tell. A looked pretty badass in that cloak, B decided. He suddenly felt himself wanting one. He didn't know why. "Why would I need to dress up as a banana?" "I'm glad you asked that. You're going to sing a song. A song so odd that it has been passed down through the ages. And by the ages...I mean a couple years. You're going to to walk up to his door...ring his doorbell. When he answers...don't give him time to talk. Just start singing..."It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time..Where you at, Where you at..." C laughed out loud...not only because it was the perfectly ironic plan..but also imagining B doing that. He was going to have to hide in the bushes and take a video of that and post it on YouTube. "Maybe it will become a viral video" he thought with barely suppressed glee.
"Now Bob will probably be so impressed with your wittiness that he will take the bananas without thinking. That's when you also give him the case of beer you brought with you. I know a guy who makes some sort of weird beer..I can't remember the flavor..it might be pumpkin..but anyway..I'll get him to give us several bottles. You'll offer them to Bob and then hint that you're feeling faint from the heat of being inside the costume. Bob will invite you in. You two sit down and have a few drinks. Get him to open up. Make sure he puts the bananas on the table..within listening distance. We'll be monitoring you the whole time. If anything goes wrong..you'll have backup. And by backup..I mean F sitting outside in his truck. Just make sure he doesn't get any of the beer or else he'll pass out. He's kind of a pansy that way." F looked at A and started to argue but thought better of it.
B thought about the plan. He realized it just might work. It was an oddass plan but none the less..it could work. Besides..he had secretly wanted to wear a banana costume his whole life. He had even visited some "Banana fetish" websites a few years back...but again..that's another story.
With that...A clapped his hands and said "We are done for the night. We will meet again tomorrow. "Bright and early?" C asked? "Fark no. I need my beauty sleep and then it gets me at least a 1/2 hour to get ready." C thought to himself that it shouldn't take a 1/2 an hour to put on some stupid cloak..but he knew he wasn't in position to say anything.
"Ok...we'll meet back here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. We'll have brunch while we get this plan in motion. I'll bring the muffins." F giggled again. "Muffins...hee hee..." A sighed. I've had enough of you four tonight. Until we meet again...tomorrow. He threw his cape around his shoulders..knocking over B's porcelain unicorn collection...but B was too busy picturing himself in the banana costume to really care. And with that...A was gone. "Are we supposed to go after him this time?" F asked. D shot him a look that told him to shut the fark up. "Ok guys..it's time for you to go. It's well past my bedtime" B said grumpily. "I'll see you all tomorrow."
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That's why sometimes it takes me so long to write a new installment. He likes them so much I'm afraid to write a new one and have him go "Oh...well...that's not too bad..but not nearly as good as the others. I'm disappointed after waiting all this time."
I have insecurity issues, lol.
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