Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The
one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the $h|t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
***
Things you can get away with saying only at Thanksgiving/Christmas...poor turkey
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
***
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and
inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
***
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So--if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.
***
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
"Methodist," the man says.
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"
"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is two miles away.
So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick
unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets
worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck two miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally
agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a
promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
and shouts:
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FARKING GOING!"
***
Yo mama so promiscuous...She'll go zero to 69 in under fifteen seconds
***
Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.
A penis and a brain.
***
Q. What do you get when you cross a rat with a snake?
A. A lawyer with morals.
***
A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in the mood for some 69."
"Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife.
"Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!"
"What time is it?"
"1:30."
"You want me to get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?"
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in South Dakota"
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, " 101,237.65 ".
The boss says, " $101,237.65 "What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said: "NO... NO... NO! The guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
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> covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
> Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
> heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
>
> When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
> my
> own
> funeral.........I'm a gynaecologist."
>
> The proctologist fainted
>
She asked, Whats on TV?
I said, Dust.
And then the fight started
******************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex?
No, she answered.
I then said, Is that your final answer?
She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes.
So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend.
And then the fight started.
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wifes back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.
My loving wife of 10 years replied, Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?
And thats how the fight started
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldnt believe it.
He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, I AM NOT HAPPY !!!
So, I looked down at him and said, Well, then which one are you?
And then the fight started.
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my drivers license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, Unbutton your shirt. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And then the fight started.
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, Do you know her?
Yes, I sighed, Shes my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasnt been sober since.
My God! says my wife, who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
And then the fight started
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
Ill have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow?
Nah, she can order for herself.
And then the fight started
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, Your eyesights damn near perfect.
And then the fight started..
"I almost had an affair with another woman"
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that."
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies........ "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"
player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.
"No, no.....! Calm down," the man replies........ "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"
It's a great site you have running here. I think I haven't seen this joke here.
It was friday night and the husband went to a bar with his friends to get some beers and play some pool, he was having such a good time that he got so drunk he couldn't even walk straight.
At 3 am he arrives home and walks to his bedroom and sees his beloved wife sleeping and snoring, he then proceeds to open a little bottle he had in his pocket and pops out a white pill. Then he throws it to his wife mouth and she wakes up gagging because of the pill and yells to her husband:
"What the fark is wrong with you? are you out of your mind? what's this pill you put in my mouth?!!"
Hubby answers: "It's an aspirin"
Wifey replies: "An aspirin?, wtf is wrong with you?! I don't even have a headache!!"
Hubby answers: "Great!, lets have sex"
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Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.