how to poop at work...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> >
> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
> > We've all kicked back
> > in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
> > down below. As much
> > as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK
> > POOP is inevitable.
> > For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
> > Survival Guide for
> > taking a dump at work.
> >
> >
> > CROP DUSTING
> > When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
> > the smell is not in
> > your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
> > know where it came
> > from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
> > the full fart has
> > been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
> > the smell has left
> > your pants.
> >
> >
> > FLY BY
> > The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> > Walk in and check for
> > other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
> > leave and come back
> > again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
> > People may become
> > suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
> > the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > ESCAPEE
> > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
> > urinal or forcing a
> > poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
> > sudden wave of
> > embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
> > acknowledge it. Pretend
> > it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
> > farter in the urinal,
> > pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
> > escapee. It is
> > uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
> > laughing makes both
> > parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >
> > JAILBREAK
> > When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
> > machine gun pace. This
> > is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
> > If this should
> > happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
> > everyone has left the
> > bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> > just occurred.
> >
> >
> > COURTESY FLUSH
> > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> > hits the water. This
> > reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
> > up the bathroom.
> > This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
> > OF SHAME.
> >
> >
> > WALK OF SHAME
> > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
> > after you have just
> > stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
> > uncomfortable moment if
> > someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
> > best to pretend
> > that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
> > the use of the
> > COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >
> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
> > A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
> > it. You will often
> > see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
> > with a newspaper or
> > magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
> > the office for the Out
> > Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
> > emergency pooping goes
> > off without incident. This group can help you to
> > monitor the whereabouts
> > of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
> > HAVENS.
> >
> >
> > SAFE HAVENS
> > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
> > where you can least
> > expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
> > of the opposite sex.
> > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
> > entering the bathroom.
> >
> >
> > TURD BURGLAR
> > Someone who does not realize that you are in the
> > stall and tries to
> > force the door open. This is one of the most
> > shocking and vulnerable
> > moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
> > If this occurs,
> > remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
> > This way you will
> > avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >
> > CAMO-COUGH
> > A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> > bathroom that you
> > are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
> > WATERMELON, or to alert
> > potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
> > conjunction with an
> > ASTAIRE.
> >
> >
> > ASTAIRE
> > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
> > Turd Burglars that you
> > are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
> > that the stall is
> > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the
> > pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >
> > WATERMELON
> > A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> > toilet water. This is
> > also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
> > Watermelon coming on,
> > create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.