Joined Aug 2003
Berserker xXx
Forum Thread
Laughter makes you live longer - Jokes Megathread!!
December 2, 2003 at
04:14 PM
Recently I've noticed that the lounge was kinda dying off, and some people's temper has gone mad. I think that we should tell some funny stories or jokes, could be a joke or story from you or someone you know or heard. Sometimes, reading funny things, stories, jokes can really brighten up someone's day. and also really fun to look at. 
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
System Notice: This thread has been automatically renewed after reaching a post limit. Most of its content has been moved to this thread for reference purposes.
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Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.
Not Surprisingly, Some worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.
Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devi Sed A Method To Collect The Offerings.
The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.
This Is Done By The Chip Monks.
You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?
Quit shouting, schooby!
Turn it upside down!
Flustered, not having ever encountered a heckler before, the young ventriloquist begins to apologize.
But the blonde cuts him off: "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
"Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the rotten body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."
1. I think its the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
2. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
3. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. Its never just a game when youre winning.
6. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
7. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
8. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.
9. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
10. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
11. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We havent tried that for a while. Maybe this time itll work.
12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - theyre cramming for their final exam.
13. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town.
14. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
15. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think.
16. The reason I talk to myself is that Im the only one whose answers I accept.
17. The status quo sucks.
18. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat.
19. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
20. I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
A blond and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blond asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blond 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blond his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blond pays the lawyer five dollars. The blond then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blond 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blond gave the lawyer five dollars.
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Here's my joke:
Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper !
George W. Bush, Clinton, and Gore were all in heaven, and the angel said, "You must cross this river and we will judge how much you have sinned based on how far you sink." Dubya goes first and gets up to his neck, but makes it across. He looks back and sees Al Gore walking on the water. He appeals to the angel saying, "He's sinned as much as I have, what gives?" The angel says, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
A man goes to his local golf club and he was stopped by a worker. "We have a priest who is interested in learning the game. Would you play a round with him?" The man says sure and he and the priest get to the first tee.
The man swings and misses the ball and yells, "Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
The priest is shocked and says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. Im a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder!"
"I'm sorry father. I take my golf game very seriously. It won't happen again though."
At the second tee, the man swings and misses again.
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
Again the priest says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. I'm a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder! And God may strike us down!"
"I'm sorry father. I take but I take my golf game very seriously. I promise, it won't happen again."
At the third tee, the swings and misses again!
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
Suddenly thunder rumbles from the sky above and a lightening bolt strikes the priest dead. Then you hear from above, "Goddammit, fark it! I missed!"
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew
off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to
rest. He bent over to pick it up....
......then all the other bells started to ring.
The woman gets slightly perturbed by this sudden awkwardness, but her intelligent mind feels intrigued by the drunk man's observation power, especially how he was able to say that from her particular choice of grocery - which obviously was the only noticeable thing about a random woman waiting at a checkout line.
She asks politely, "Wow! How did you find that out sir?"
"Cuz you're fark ugly", says the man
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A GROSS ONE LOL
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
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